I'm almost finished with the Mitchell Report, and I've got to say I found it a thrilling read. I have no idea who the killer is, but I'm suspecting Professor Plum. Oh, wait, that was the novelization of the movie of the board game Clue. What surprised you least about the Mitchell Report?

I had no idea Jason Giambi and Roger Clemens used steroids. I just thought at age 30 people get bigger and bigger until they explode at age 45.

Ethan: You had to have known that Giambi's sweat is nothing but a tasty mixture of bull hormones and Winstrol. If you put it in a shot glass, it's called a Moneyballer.

Amir: Two please.

Ethan: People acting surprised over Clemens is the hilarious. By age 50 he'll be able to punch through a three-foot sheet of concrete while getting highlights put in his hair. Only a 'roided-up madman would name all of his kids something starting with a "K."

Amir: That or someone who wants to get a terrible gift every Fathers' Day.

Ethan: "Here, Dad, it's a tie. Oh, that's right; you only sort of have a neck."

Amir: My favorite part are the half-hearted apologies that players are issuing. "Listen, if taking HGH to recover from an injury makes me GUILTY then YES, IM GUILTY AS CHARGED… Wait, what were we talking about?"

Ethan: Andy Pettitte's apology sounded like a passive-aggressive attempt to make up with a girlfriend after a fight. "Look, if this was a mistake, I'm sorry. I guess I just didn't realize you were so touchy."

Amir: "I got you flour!!! What are you talking about… that's BETTER than flowers!"

Ethan: Everyone defending Brian Roberts is pretty hilarious, too: "Look at how small he is! There's no hard evidence that he took steroids; the report is confused." Then he admits he took steroids once. That's another good one: how guys are saying they "only did it once." I'm hoping this defense moves over to criminal law: "That was just one day! We're not talking about the thousands of other days where I DIDN'T brutally murder a family of five. Jesus, don't those count for something?"

Amir: Why don't we talk about a totally clean sport: The NFL.

(Slipping on my Shawne Merriman jersey) Lights out! Totally clean here. Are you as amused as I am by Tony Romo's game on Sunday? Even thought it killed my fantasy team, it's kind of amusing that Romo is both one of the best and one of the worst QBs in the NFL. When he's good, nobody's better, but when he's bad, it looks like he's drunk. It's like he's got both Tom Brady and David Carr in his body, and only one can come out at any given moment, sort of like Two-Face from Batman.

Amir: He's a little more consistant than you're giving him credit for. He's had one or two bad games this season. With a first round bye he just needs two good games before he gets embarassed by Brady and the Patriots! I still think the boys are heavy favorites to take the NFC. A bigger cowboy surprise: Marion Barber is a probowler? Doesn't he not even start on his own team?

Ethan: That's because Julius Jones is an All-Pro, no doubt. There's no way you can argue that Barber isn't one of the best running backs in the NFC. Who's better? Westbrook, Peterson, SJax, and…? The animated corpse of Shaun Alexander's career?

Amir: Here are some nfc running backs with more yards on theground than MBIII: Clinton Portis, Edgerrin James, FrankGore… EARNEST GRAHAM! "But what about touchdowns!" Good point devil'sadvocate. Graham has 10 rushing tds this year against Marions 9 and nofumbles. I guess they give bonus points to dreads, but in that caseEdge gets the edge too!

Ethan: Okay, calm down. I like that Donald Driver made it instead of Greg Jennings. Apparently the voters don't even watch Packers games; they just go with whose names they recognize from Madden 2006. Westbrook's kneel: heady play or fantasy killer?

Amir: Evidently, both!

Ethan: How great was it to see the Dolphins get a win? Could it be the start of something big? Like they say, once you get that first win, it only gets easier from there. (checks schedule) Oh, they play the Pats this Sunday. Like they say, Like they say, once you get that first win it only gets infinitely more difficult from there. Does losing to the Dolphins seal Brian Billick's fate?

Amir: Ravens lost to the Pats by 3 and the Dolphins by 6. This gives Miami hope! Baltimore is a little too talented to lose eight in a row. And when you're fourth and inches on the goal line with seconds left and out of the playoff race you have to trust your quarterback to fall forward into the endzone. Yes. Even if your quarterback is Troy Smith.

Ethan: I don't think anyone's ever described a team that started Kyle Boller as "too talented" before, so congratulations. You're right, it's almost unfair to the rest of the AFC that the Ravens get to roll that juggernaut out there every week. Excited that Bill Parcells is probably coming back to the Falcons? I guess there weren't any administrative job openings on the Titanic.

Amir: He only joins teams that are really down in the dumps. Remember when he took over after the Jets went 1-15. I guess he figures if there is no way to go but up he can't do a bad job!

Ethan: Let's move on to college football. Michigan finally has a new coach, and we already know he's an ass! It's great that he doesn't want to pay his buyout to WVU. "Look, I know I'm leaving all these guys right in the middle of bowl season and that coaching here has made me famous, but in all…SEE YOU LATER, SUCKERS!"

Amir: He doesn't want to pay for the buyout because certain parts of his contract "weren't met." Like waiving a $5 charge for high school coaches to attend Mountaineers games. He's a man of principle!

Ethan: High school coaches aren't made out of five-spots! This is like refusing to pay your rent because one of your light bulbs went out. "Dude, I'm pretty sure this nullifies my lease." Michigan fans should be pretty psyched, though; Rodriguez's offense is incredibly fun to watch. It even made Shaun King look like a great QB, so imagine what it could do with a QB who's actually good! Give me one early bowl game you're excited for.

Amir: It's tough to decide between Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic and Nevada vs. New Mexico because I literally don't give a shit about either… but if I had to choose I'll say… UCLA Vs. BYU!

Ethan: You don't care about the New Mexico Bowl of the New Mexico Lobos vs. the Nevada Wolf Pack? One football game to finally answer the question of which feral dog rules them all? I think the Bowl could be fun. Cincinnati scores some points, and their QB Ben Mauk is really underrated. College hoops: what's making you laugh this week?

Other than your beloved Kentucky Wildcats losing four in a row? What is with these schools? Can't anybody be good at football and basketball in the same year?

Ethan: Yes, Texas and Tennessee.

Amir: Right. And Florida.

Ethan: I liked that Rick Pitino got his 500th win on his third try. If it took one more game, I think he was going to get assistant coach Walter McCarty up off the bench and send him into the game in the hopes that no one would notice. "But I've got a suit on!" "Doesn't matter. Jordan played in wingtips all the time. Get in there." Who's going to be that team that's good now and then goes like 4-12 in its conference?

Amir: Florida State, at a meager 10-3 is 7th in the ACC. You have to think that's not going to last. And I don't know anybody who thinks Vandy is going to stay undefeated…

Ethan: They're about to play Tennessee State, Tennesee-Martin, Iona, and Rice. They'll stay undefeated for a while. Marquette hasn't really beaten anyone but Wisconsin. If conference-schedule swoons had a trophy, it would be named after Clemson, who look less suspect this year. I guess we'll know after their next big test: the Puerto Rico-Mayaguez Bulldogs tomorrow night. That sound you hear is Clemson's strength of schedule shooting through the roof! Got an interesting fact this week?

Amir: Here's one from the wacky wide world of large feet: Derek Anderson (the browns QB) had to wear size 17 shoes by the time he was 10. His parents had to special order his footwear from Arvydas Sabonis.

Ethan: That's why to this day, Anderson plays every game in a pair of Soviet-era Lithuanian boots.

Ethan: Until next week, get excited for Chris Simon's suspension!

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