1. Burn Down a Forest
Awesome way to haul in some serious ass, and all the while you're cutting down on driving fatalities caused by Northern Hairy-nosed Wombats.
2. Leave Your Water Running
Every year 2.3 million people die from thirst because they couldn't get to a water source in time. Don't be the cause, be the solution. Leave it on.
3. Leave Your Lights On Red Roof Inn Style
A recent Teen Weekly study determined that the average human spends 3 years of ther life performing light switch related activities. Don't be lazy. Take 2 minutes one day and turn on every light in your house, follow item #8 and enjoy getting laid well into your nineties.
4. Kill Endangered Species
5. Keep the A/C on
Set the fucker to 50 and let it run. If you're a real tree hugger open up a couple windows and help solve global warming.
6. Start Your Own Oil Tanker Service with Ships of Construction Paper
Don't think construction paper is strong enough to hold 10,000 gallons of oil while making a trans-Atlantic crossing during hurricane season? Think again you drooling, helmet wearing fool. Test it yourself. All you need is a gallon of oil, a funnel and a baby panda. Panda skin is a near 100% match compared to construction paper. Using the funnel, pour the oil into the panda's mouth, then drag it behind a personal watercraft for 2 to 3 hours. Eat your words doubter.
7. Never Carpool
Do you like mud and shit getting trekked all through the interior of your H3? Neither do I. Never share rides with anyone, remove all the passenger seats from your car. At the end of your life are you gonna get a fat check for helping to cut down on pollution? No. But, you'll get better trade-in value on your pristine leather interior because you took a stand against your co-worker Daniel and his shit laden penny loafers.
8. Waste Stuff
What do chicks love more than a dude with a huge pecker? A dude that is filthy rich, and you don't even need money to seem like you're rich. Invite over a fine dime and refer to items #2 and #3. She'll be impressed that your water has been running the entire night. If that doesn't make her wet, then you just didn't waste enough. Next time leave the frig door ajar.
9. Start a Compost Pile
Nobody ever uses old oil, batteries or home appliances. Put these items to work for you by dumping them in a field near your home. If you're lucky local wildlife will die from their by-products and provide you with a meal.
10. Dispose of Old Cars Correctly
Aren't you tired of seeing junkyards taking up all of our land while our planet's oceans go unused? Using a map or search engine, find your nearest ocean and dump your car into it. If a couple of fish die who cares? You're not a fish.
11. Take Advantage of the Oceans
Read a book retard. The world is 75% water and pollution can only occur on land. Do you want your family pet covered in oil because some clown dumped it on dry land? Didn't think so, take your shit and chuck it into the ocean where it can't do any damage.
12. Develop a Styrofoam Hummer
Two birds, one stone. A non-biodegradable death tank sucking down a gallon of gas every 2 miles. It wouldn't work because the gas would melt the Styrofoam? Not if you construct the fuel lines out of authentic blue whale skin.
13. Be Thoughtful
Nobody ever thinks of whales. Start a company that sells kegs in easy 6-pack form, so that finally trout aren't the only ones getting stuck in those 6-pack plastic rings.
14. Plan For the Future
Are you extremely ugly or poor? If so, don't waste your time recycling for your grandkids to have a better planet, cuz your're never gonna bone.
NOTE: This rule could also be used for parents who have kids, but they are ugly or not loved (Usually the first directly leads to the second).n
2ND NOTE: For more tips, parents can refer to item #22.n
15. Recognize the Benefits of Global Warming
I can see the headlines already: "North Pole Melts, Parents Shit Brick!". The air will fill with the sounds of children sobbing as their parents scramble to re-write fairy tales with Santa and his elves sporting speedos and cruise around on Sea-doos. Go fuck yourself Tim Allen.
16. Wipe Out Dangerous Populations
On average 6,000 rabbits are born every second. This is ridiculous. Inject the ebola virus into a dominant male, pop a Corona and start writing your acceptance speech for the Noble Peace Prize. If you can't find a needle or the ebola virus just light a field on fire.
17. Murder Birds
Birds are useless and annoying. Plus they cause 40 plane crashes per month. Recent studies have also find that their beeks poke holes in our ozone. Not cool. Fill a birdfeeder with Alka-Seltzer and buckshot. The peckerheads will be so heavy they'll be easy prey for a hungry gorilla. Then sit back and watch as the Gorilla explodes from the Alka-Seltzer. Two birds, one stone.
18. Host an Event
Love fire but hate books? Round up your posse, nail some chairs to the back of a Sperm whale and head down to the Amazon for a good ole' fashioned book burn. Don't have any chairs? Just round up 40 or so bald eagles, stab em and then ride down to Brazil in your dad's Chrysler. If this doesn't make sense to you, then you just don't care about Earth.
19. Mentor a Child
Hey kids, do you like the Hulk? Wanna make your own? Duh! Get some nuclear waste and dump it on a cat or other dumb animal. Then enjoy 8 to 24 hours of fun depending on the chemical concentration.
20. Set Your Goals High
It's common knowledge that given the time and proper tools, anyone could wipe out the entire population of Arakan Forest Turtles, but if you really want a challenge try wiping out something harder like birds, beavers or humans. You'll be the talk of the town, unless you choose humans.
NOTE: If trying for humans remember to kill yourself last or else the whole thing probably won't work.n
21. Burn Down a Chemical Plant
Another double whammy. Not only will the toxic fumes destroy the atmosphere, but the sixty gorilla carcasses you used as kindling will put an impressive dent in their already dwindling population.
22. Fire a Baby Out of a Canon
A really neat way to control over-population.
23. Open Your Own Restaurant Serving Endangered Species Exclusively
If you're touch much of a pussy to handle #4 then take the easy way out and open your own restaurant. Nothing tastes better or screams "Ballin'" more quite like sippin' on some sea otter blood from a hollowed out rhinoceros horn.
24. Recycle Condoms
Now when you see the word "recycle" you think its good. And I guess it could be since you are making love to Jessica and then wearing the same cock ensemble for Lisa, but you're still destroying the world, because Jessica has AIDS.
25. Dispose of Tires Properly
This is pretty obvious. The best way to get rid of tires is to burn the fuckers. Just make sure they are attached to an SUV filled with radioactive waste and siberian tigers traveling through a Californian redwood forest on cruise control with a collision course for a nuclear bomb/oil tanker docked right outside the forest.
26. Take Something Bad and Make it Sweet as Hell
Everybody in the galaxy knows that water blows ass, but how sweet would it be if you added some arsenic to it. Find a local reservoir or other water source and get your rocks off as you enjoy a Mountain Dew while watching the suckers drop like flies. For a more direct attack, target an enemy's well.
27. Recycle a Newspaper
Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "This actually helps the environment", but after your done recycling, hop in a motorboat and run over a manatee.