He Is Mere Weeks Away From Finding The Holy Grail
While he claims to be studying Biblical texts and medieval scripts, I have it on good authority that all the research he's done is rewatching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, along with every Monty Python movie ever made. And yet somehow, right now he's camped out somewhere in southern Turkey, and he claims to be in possession of a map written by King Richard the Lionhearted, and that he is currently being pursued by the Swiss Guard.

He Is The Descendant Of Both Beowulf And Achilles
The blood of two of history's greatest and most feared warriors runs in his veins. Fates have gifted him the power to slay entire kingdoms at his will. I realize right now he's wiping Cheetos crumbs off his beer gut, but I'm about 90% sure that that is a clever disguise he's using until the planets align and sling upon him the Great Sword of Eternity, which he will use to bring Armageddon to all the lands of Earth.

He Possesses Our Nuclear Launch Codes
At any minute, he alone has the power to send a barrage of apocalyptic weaponry to wherever on Earth he wishes. He's probably going to send them to North Korea or Russia, perhaps both, igniting a holocaust that has been brewing for decades, one that will cover the Earth in a blanket of radioactive waste and ash.

He Is Sleeping With My Wife
Seriously. This guy met me in a coffee shop and showed me black-and-white photos he pulled out of a manila envelope. That cheating whore.

He Beat Guitar Hero III Before Me
On Expert. He even beat "Through The Fire And Flames". I'm still stuck on the battle with Lou! What the fuck is this? I knew I should've gotten a 360, the HD gameplay is much easier.

He Is The Second Coming Of Christ
I really don't have any evidence for this, other than it's the only way to explain his long hippie hair and beard, and the fact that he always smells like fish.