Alot of people don't know this but Die Hard is the greatest movie evermade. I mean, it look it up and you might come back at me with sometype of off kilter response saying that Terminator or Rambo is farsuperior than Die Hard and I would just tell you to lay down on yourbig ass pillow and dream the fuck on friend!
There are several things that make this film the greatest thing to hitthe silver screen since Fred Savage's tour de force in The Wizard orthat robot Johnny Five in Short Circuit. And those things are listedbelow, be careful though, you just might piss yourself with excitement.
1. Sassy Black Limo Driver-Its what alot of movies nowadays arelacking, some sassy black limo driver that can easily communicate witha loose trigger cop and hang out on his off time in the back of thelimo, raiding the mini bar and listening to Run DMC. Although my daddoes alot of this on his off time, this does not make him awesomeenough to be in Die Hard. Reason being that one, he is not black andtwo if anything he is Over the Top awesome. Mainly because he likes toarm wrestle me when he is drunk.
2. Germans with Guns-Oddly enough this was the original title for DieHard, it gives you a good idea of what the movie is about. The reasonits awesome is that it completly negates the stereotype that Germansare fun loving, peaceful people who like to drink beer. Now we finallyget to see a dark side to them.
3. "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker"-This has been a staple of the moviesince it was released and has since been garnered as a great thing tosay to somebody before you beat them down. I have used this severaltimes in bars, sporting events and whenever I am at the grocery storewhen I am at the cash register handing them my money. Although it can'tbe used all the time, places where it is not ok is at weddings,especially if you are the one getting married, when the priest asks ifyou will take Big Tittied Leslie to be your wife you better not answer"Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker" it will creat a rift with your old lady.Another place that its not ok is when you are substituting akindergarden class, when 4 or 5 year olds ask you to read a story tothem do not respond with the signature line, it just doesn't have thesame effect.
4. Alan Rickman-This man is the physical embodiment of awesome. Itdoesn't matter what he is in, Die Hard, Harry Potter, or Sense andSensibility, the guy could read the back nutritional facts of a cerealbox and I would totaly pay to see it as long as he shoots somebodyat the end.
5. The dad from Family Matters-Yeah what could be better than watchingBruce Willis battle a bunch of German terrorists? How about puttingCarl Winslow in the middle of the whole damn thing! Yeah its cinemagold! I don't know a better counterpart to Bruce Willis's JohnMacClane, maybe Uncle Jesse from Full House or how about Mr. Beldingfrom Saved by the Bell? No, none of those shitstains can't hold acandle to Carl Winslow. Noone.
6. Walking on Glass While Barefoot- Its the most aweome part of themovie, when the terrosits shoot the glass windows and force JohnMcClane to walk on it barefoot. Why? If you can think of anything moremanly, I'd like to hear it, then smack you in the face and say "No,thats wrong". Believe it or not this scene actually the inspiration forAnnie Lannox's song "Walking on Broken Glass"
7. Crawling Though Air Conditioner Vents For a Good Reason- Lord knowsI have done this a couple of times, mainly to ditch a geometry test inhigh school. But John McClane had a good reason, when falling down aelevator shaft he doesn't shit himself, he grabs onto a air vent andcrawls through to safety. I use this tactic whenever I can and have itperfected, so much that I put it on my resume. Right next to my WPM's.
8. Bruce Willis- At the time Bruce Willis was doing Moonlighting, whichwas not awesome. And he said to himself "I need to bring someawesomeness to my career, something that will get me ton of ass, amovie that would involve me jumping off a tall building, hanging withthe principal from Breakfast Club and waving a gun around like a madman" Oh how prayers are answered! This movie defined his career, infact on his tombstone he is having it read "Remember me for Die Hard,not for Armageddon"
9. Explosions with C4- Every movie can benefit from this. No matterwhat, Total Recall, Lethal Weapon, Smokey and the Bandit anymovie any.
10. Karl, the long haired blonde terrorist who seems indestructable-Theguy gets shot from every angle in the movie, beaten the hell out of andhung from a chain and still comes back at the end. The only reason thatI can think of this is that he was taking awesome pills. Totallyawesome.
I want to make this movie a pre requisite for any girl with whom I amthinking of dating, you might think that I am setting my standards alittle bit too high, but they are just old habits of mine and oldhabits ..Die Hard.