Ladies, gentlemen, party animals young and old — your day has arrived. Tonight, 10 pm at dormitory complex B-18, it's BOOZE-TOPIA 2008!!! What better way to kick off the spring semester than a lawless, hedonistic orgy of alcohol, music, and an "anything goes" atmosphere?

Quick FYI, this party is BYOB-"Bring Your Own Booze." (Duh!)

I've spent the last four years planning this liquor-filled, lascivious soiree, and tonight you boozers will see just what kind of drunken tomfoolery you're all capable of. Leave your inhibitions at home, amigos! (Do not, however, leave your alcohol at home, since, again, this is a BYOB affair. I cannot stress this fact enough.)

One quick Booze-topia 2008 update: It turns out alcohol is not, in fact, permitted in the dormitories after all. This is a minor oversight. I tried slipping our building's Ukrainian security guard a cool $100 to "look the other way," but this seemed only to provoke enraged screams from Krzysztof in his native Eastern tongue, which wouldn't have bothered me if he had returned the 100 dollars. Speaking of which, another Booze-topia update: There will be a 5-dollar cover for tonight's "anything goes" mixer!!!

Don't fret about this "prohibition" business. I've taken steps to ensure the nectar shall flow tonight, and flow well. Enclosed with this invitation you'll find a rinsed-out jar of Hellmann's mayonnaise. Those of you looking to get rightly HAMMERED!, just fill this "party jar" with the drink of your choice, seal the lid, and casually stroll past the building's front desk like an innocent, campus-code-obeying student returning from the grocery store.

Of course, no food of any kind will actually be permitted tonight. My roommate, Huang, who is visiting his grandparents in Beijing this week, is very particular about crumbs on the carpet. So please, no food. Or shoes. Or gum. Just FUN!!! (And 5 dollars.)

A final Booze-topia update: You may want to re-rinse out the enclosed mayonnaise jar. The water pressure in my room is incredibly weak, please make sure you "do your business" before entering this "party zone!"

And with that, comrades, I will bid you a fine farewell until the degradation begins at 10!!! I, for one, plan on downing at least 3 mayo jars of Coors Light. Anyone think they can top that? Well, you can't: I'm imposing a 3 jar limit to avoid suspicion. Please respect the guidelines of my "anything goes" BONANZA!