I carry around a piece of paper and a pencil whenever I get high so that I can remember everything I say. Here are a few memorable ones.

1. Dude, have you ever thought that calculus is just like weed? Seriously? Being high is like the derivative of being sober!

2. Alright check this out. The food channel is like PORN… for your MOUTH. Plus, how hot is the chick from Everyday Italian?! I rest my case.

3. Have you ever thought about how many different kinds of mint gum there are? Spearmint, wintermint, peppermint? Not to mention wintergreen, what the shit is that? Are these minty extracts even found in nature?

4. My fingers are sooo orange. I have Dorito dust all over my pants… man, have you ever thought about how many preservatives we eat? My corpse is going to decompose like eight times slower than the little kids in Africa who aren't fortunate enough to be able to eat Doritos.

Many more to come.