Found this in the basement a couple of days ago. Wrote it when I was a little kid. Funny, I don't remember being such a dork.


Age: 6
Subject: Ariel
Discovered in: "The Little Mermaid"
Status: Weiner went all weird, kinda hurts
Other thoughts: Ow.



Age: 7
Subject: Land O' Lakes girl
Discovered in: Refrigerator, across from Juicy Juice
Status: Curious…
Other thoughts: 1.) Take pair of scissors. 2.) Cut out knees. 3.) Paste onto chest. Ta-da! She's holding her own boobs, see? So cool.
Note to self: Weiner hurts less when rubbed.



Age: 8
Subject: African tribal woman
Discovered in: Teacher's "National Geographic" collection (after digging through, like, a gazillion other dumb, boobless issues).
Status: Uncontrollable giggling
Other thoughts: So gross. Will only stare for two more hours, tops.
Note to self: Ask Grandma for subscription next Christmas. Mention something about an interest in dinosaur fossils.



Age: 9
Subject: Animated video, "Where Did I Come From?"
Discovered in: Mommy brought it home from the store. She says it'll teach me about babies. I asked why she wouldn't just tell me herself and she said it was less embarrassing this way.
Status: Really embarrassed.
Other thoughts: A cartoon man and lady (who was not as pretty as Ariel, but totally naked) wrestled under some covers until there was a big, colorful explosion. Tadpoles and little red hearts went EVERYWHERE.
Note to self: Tadpoles + Explosions = Awesome. (Already knew that, Mom.)


Age: 10
Subject: Stack of old Playboys
Discovered in: Jason's pop's bathroom, beside the crapper
Status: Boner city
Other thoughts: What's under the furry stuff, I wonder?
Note to self: Re-watch "Where Did I Come From?"