Ooh, the thrilling conclusion to our 8-part series "George W. Bush discusses the State of the Union". You watched it of course? Oh, you watched that Futurama episode where Leela gets another eye instead? It's understandable. Many people are apathetic to these addresses. Even if you do care, this speech is just a footnote for Bush at this point. Really, the only reason you might watch this is if your room-mate heard about this "awesome drinking game where you take a shot every time Bush says one of these words", but then he passes out and you eat all of those barbeque ribs his mom just dropped off last week. You just told him he ate them in the midst of a blackout. We still cool, Matt?

Anyway, let's cut straight to a play-by-play of the speech. George introduced himself by mentioning that "Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum". Many in the crowd looked shocked at his ability to correctly pronounce "rostrum". He then made a comment on the upcoming election year, asking that "Republicans and Democrats can compete for votes and cooperate for results at the same time". A camera cut-away to Hilary, whose face was locked in an icy glare. Barack, with two fingers held up to his lips, fantasized he was smoking a joint. Next to him, Ted Kennedy was rapidly falling asleep.

On concerns of an uncertain economic future, Bush mentioned a new tax relief bill, which would affect 116 million taxpayers. He then practiced his stand-up routine: "Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. I'm pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders." Behind him, Cheney's lips curled in a smirk eerily similar to the Grinch.

The president next proceeded to scold congress about earmarks. Earmarks are addendums and special interest items that senators sneak onto a bill at the last minute. Often, the senators engage in friendly competition to see who can pass the most useless projects in a term, with a $5 per person pool riding on the winner. Bush, unhappy to be left out of the senate's cheeky shenanigans, told them to stop, but since they continued to cause mischief, he swore to God he was going to "Vee-toe" the next bill that contained shenanigans.

Next came a bunch of stuff about home-owners and those who receive health insurance though employment. I don't own a home, or have a job, so I took this as an opportunity for a bathroom break. I was not the only one to take this break, as Ted Kennedy used it to drink from his flask, cleverly disguised as a "book".


Bush then asked congress to approve trade agreements with Peru and Colombia. This is quite understandable, as many upstanding drug cartels are based in that region, preventing drug money from reaching the pockets of the freedom-hating Afghani opium farmers. He also has a personal sympathy for citizens the United States who will soon be able to buy quality blow at wholesale prices.



The next topic was energy. Cheney seemed to wince when W. mentioned reducing oil consumption, and George then when on to talk about "nuc-u-lar" power, batteries, and "cars and trucks of the future". The American Competitiveness Initiative was mentioned, which will support research by scientists and engineers. But this one step forward was followed by two steps back when congress was asked to ban the buying, selling, patenting, or cloning of human life, a significant barrier to my dream of owning the greatest basketball team known to mankind.




Some minor topics of medicare reform and immigration were brought up, but nothing new was said. Finally, Bush got to the bread-and-butter of his speech, FREEDOM. We are reminded of the definition of lterrorists and extremists: "evil men who despise freedom". This being true, it is puzzling why they still haven't blown the shit out of Amsterdam. But "for the security of America and the peace of the world, we are spreading the hope of freedom".




The "surge" is commended, for while he notes that Iraq is still a giant shitshow, "high profile terrorist attacks are down, civilian deaths are down, sectarian killings are down." Osama Bin Laden made another home movie about Iraqi traitors, but the consensus seems to be that he is just a big pussy, most likely spending out his days in a cave watching Everybody Loves Raymond episodes. Peace is growing in the "Holy Land". Israel still hates Palestine, Palestine still hates Israel, and Iran is still fucking crazy, but they haven't blown each other up yet, so that's always good news.


Lastly discussed was how powerful a document the constitution is, but instead of paraphrasing, I'll give you his closing words:


"By trusting the people, our Founders wagered that a great and noble nation could be built on the liberty that resides in the hearts of all men and women. By trusting the people, succeeding generations transformed our fragile young democracy into the most powerful nation on Earth and a beacon of hope for millions. And so long as we continue to trust the people, our nation will prosper, our liberty will be secure, and the state of our Union will remain strong."

"So tonight, with confidence in freedom's power, and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. America. Fuck Yeah!" – George W. Bush, 1/28/08