50-cent – Words can't describe how awful his latest album was. It was so bad, it's unbelievable. And don't believe internet rumors: 50 didn't make 400 million from Vitamin Water. He only made 100 million. Fucking worthless.

Akon – Akon actually has 11 names. Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam. Not a joke. Look it up on Wikipedia (it has two sources for that). He's also like 35. Learn something new every day, right? He needs to get himself in trouble again by humping a 14 year old on stage in front of thousands of people. That was a good idea.

B.G. – He was good when he was in cash money, and he was even better when he came out of cash money. B.G. embodies what Lil Wayne could be if he didn't try to suck every cock within a 20 mile radius of him.

Big Gee – Hilarious. And crazy sounding.

Big Kuntry – Lamest rapper in Grand Hustle. He's like that fat kid that got picked last every time in gym class, turned gangster.

Birdman – Okay, Birdman. We get it. You got stacks and diamonds. Cool. Now stop rapping. Fuck, you've been rapping since you were like 20, and no joke: You're 51. Go get a retirement fund and take some fucking fiber pills you old motherfucker. You also need to stop singing about crack, too. You're too old to be cooking up crack.

Bone Thugs N Harmony – If you listen to their lyrics, they talk about killing all sorts of these motherfuckers with grenade launchers and AK's and shit, then talk about how they're doing it for the lord. That makes sense. One of their album covers had to be removed when they released the album, cause one of them was like in a tank, and they had like army outfits and AK's and rocket launchers. Hmm.

Bun B – I dunno, he's ok.

Busta Rhymes – Break Ya Neck was his last hit? I can't believe it's been that long since he's even been on a decent track.

Chamillionaire – Left Swishahouse to form the almighty "Chamillitary". Lol.

DJ Drama – Apparently knows every rapper alive.

DJ Khaled – I think DJ Khaled knows how he makes himself look and sound. He's like one of those guys that you really don't wanna tell him how much you hate him, just because he already knows. Just for clarification, you are not da bes. Sorry.

Dr. Dre – The pioneer of rap really hasn't been doing a whole lot these days.

Eminem – LOL Eminem is like 250 pounds now. Good job, you fucking psycho.

Fat Joe – Sample of Fat Joe's newest lyrics: Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Crack Joey Joey Fat Joe Joey Crack Fat Joey Crack Crack Crack Crack.

Gorilla Zoe – Hottest rapper of 2007. Boyz N da hood made a good decision. Chino Dolla and some bitch named Miss B put out this diss track, and it honestly lowered my IQ a couple points. Those fuckers are retarded, I haven't heard of either of them before now. Look out for zoe this year.

Gucci Mane – Gucci Mane was trying to beef with T.I. and then apologized the very next day. I'm sure this was his thought process behind the whole situation: "Fuck you, T.I., you're a rainbow ass faggot." Then T.I. was like, "Wait a second. Who's Gucci Mane?" And that's where it ended. Gucci Mane, don't ever compare yourself to other rappers.

Hurricane Chris – He and Mike Jones actually had a pretty good song just released, so my respect points for both those dudes rose a little bit. It's just hard to look at Hurricane Chris and NOT see a 12 year old boy.

Jay-Z – People can say whatever the fuck they want to about Jay-Z, but he's got 500 million dollars, so that will keep him happy at least. You know you're rich when you don't even use American Currency in your videos. Jay-Z had a bunch of stacks of 500-euro euros. Also, I think he's dating Beyonce, and owns several businesses. You can't say shit about him.

Juevenile – Had like 3 good songs, and has a funny sounding voice. He'll be good when the Hot Boyz reunite.

Kanye West – I honestly think he's kinda lame, but he raped 50-cent in the sales of his latest album, so that's all I really care about.

Lil Boosie – I didn't know the human male voice could be that high pitched and annoying. He and Lil Wayne should do a song.

Lil Jon – Seriously, a rapper that made his whole career for shouting as loud as he possibly can? He can't even chill on a song. I heard him on that new Rick Ross ft. Lil Jon, and he just screamed "DROUGHT" and "YEAH!!!". Why don't you relax a little bit?

Lil Wayne – Okay, be prepared for a rant: Lil' Wayne sackriders, please dismount yourself from Lil' Wayne's cock. He sucks. That's all there is to it. He fucking sucks. Okay, 2006: I'm gonna put out 100 songs. Vibe ran an article called "The 77 Best Lil' Wayne songs of 2007". Are you fucking kidding me? The 77 "Best" Lil' Wayne songs? Are you sure there's even one? Don't get me wrong ladies and gentlemen, he has decent lyrics SOMETIMES. But most of the time he tries to fucking hard to make a connection from something that slightly resembles something gangsta to something that doesn't even come close. It's either that, or "Yung Munny Cash Munny we thugs lol yung munny baby lil WEEZEANA ". Tard. Maybe he should write about making out with dude. I read somewhere where Young Buck claimed while he was in Cash Money, he saw Lil' Wayne kissing all sorts of motherfuckers. And he kissed baby too. Just sayin.

Ludacris – Ludacris was also trying to beef with T.I. over money saying that he made 30 million dollars over a 6 year period. T.I. made 20 million in 2007. Ludacris is hilarious, but that's about as far as it goes.

Mannie Fresh – Unbelievable how many people's careers this man has made.

Mike Jones – Who?

Nelly – Band-aid's gotta go.

Paul Wall – This man is the slowest talking motherfucker on the planet. He has some way of making everything that he says last for twice as long as it needs to be. If not slow speaking, it's the same shit. He reuses rhymes all the time and it's basically "sittin here in my slab, crooked, sound blastin, I'm cruising" or some shit like that. Nice grill, too. I'm pretty sure most rappers today get their grills from Paul Wall. He must be in the business for that type of thing.

Plies – Meh.

R. Kelly – He had a few decent tracks when he came back all gangsta.

Rick Ross – Rawwwwwsss. IMMA BAWWWSSSSS. This fat motherfucker has been on every single mixtape that has been released in the last year. He just came out of nowhere all like "imma bawss wuddup" and started rapping on everybody's tracks. Sometimes he's good, but he has a few really stupid tracks.

Slim Thug – A big ugly motherfucker that manages to be a "BAWSS HOGG".

Soulja Boy – 16 year olds who make their own crappy beats to annoying songs in cracked versions of Fruity Loops Studio are set to be the next revolution of music. You just watch.

Snoop Dogg – Ugly ass fucker who has been smoking blunts every day since he was like 6. I'm surprised he hasn't chilled on that since Krazie Bone's lung collapsed.

T.I. – I still can't believe that motherfucker is on house arrest. That sucks that his bodyguard snitched on him, but he doesn't need to be buying guns in the first place. He should just have someone else kill the dude that killed his friend.

T-Pain – God, if there's ever a rapper/RnB artist who is uglier than T-Pain, they will have attained a feat that I thought impossible. I can't believe every 14 year old girl in America thinks that he's the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Trae – Trae came out of nowhere when I heard him on a song with Gorilla Zoe and Yung Joc. He sounded pretty crazy, so I listened to him a little bit and he sounds pretty decent. That's all I really know about that dude.

Trick Daddy – I read somewhere that Trick Daddy has 21 half brothers and sisters. I think that's all that needs to be said about that.

Twista – I've never heard someone rap so fast, yet say absolutely nothing.

Webbie – Looks like a fucked up Mannie Fresh. And congratulations: your girlfriend has her own car. What a step in the right direction.

Willie Da Kid – Who?

Yo Gotti – He's pretty good. He and B.G. need to get on a track again.

Young Jeezy – He sounds like he's all talk, but I saw a video of him on youtube with his boys and they all had like AK's and rocket launchers and shit. Note to self: do not fuck with Young Jeezy. Young Jeezy has also been fucking with Cash Money for a while, and he's kinda getting boring, so whatever.

Young Dro – Probably one of my favorite rappers, but he has some fucked up fetish with fruit. All he raps about is how all his shit looks like fruit. "Spray the chevy all kind of sour apple colors, diamonds up in my charm look like piney apple suckers", "diamonds look like passion fruit, viper look like apple fruit". Whatever, dude. Just don't let me catch you fucking a watermelon or something. It's good that his flow is sick, because this dude is fucking ugly as hell with his sunglasses off. And I think there's something fucked up with his teeth. Maybe it was just the way the light was hitting it, but his top row of teeth looked brown and crooked. Eating too much fruit.

Yung Joc – Boring.