Oh man, this was the best episode of Star Wars ever!
H&S gets a bad review in a magazine. Specifically, the critic thinks that Sean isn't necessarily a bad actor, just the most boring-looking person in the world. At least that critic has his priorities straight. Liz and Christian are all giggling and like, "Oh, we can't let Sean see!" but then Sean walks in right as they're giggling (an oft-employed dramatic tactic this episode), so he finds out that someone thinks he's boring looking, and he pouts. Christian tells him to buck up, and Sean's like, "You've never felt this way before! How would you know what I'm going through?" and Christian is like, "True, I've never felt ugly before." Except for that one time he looked so fat in a leaked sex tape that he made Dr. Mario Lopez give him liposuction, and then that other time he got hairplugs earlier this season. Never any OTHER time, though.
Rachael has had 6 face surgeries, and although they've relieved the pain, she's not looking any better. Christian and Sean are like, "Listen, Matty, Rachael is going to be fugly forever. I'm sorry. You're dating a monster, and you'd better stop before she gets pregnant and you have another ugly baby, except this time it will be her fault that it's ugly. Just.. use birth control, son. Please." And Matt is like, "I'll impregnate whomever I want! All you guys care about is outer appearances! You're shallow and I hate you forever!" And he slams the door and runs down the hall like a girl. Christian looks at Sean like, "Are we shallow?" and Sean looks back like, "Well you definitely are."
Emmy is from Cleveland, Georgia (best of North & South!), and has a huge birthmark on her face. The reddish kind, not the brownish kind. It takes up the whole half of her face, and she flew all the way from Gerogia to consult with Christian because she read on the website that they do pro bono work for people with birth defects. Then she mentions how funny he is, which is false, and how funny she is, which is also false. Christian is feeling sort of insecure with his morality because Matt called him shallow, so he denies that Emmy needs the surgery, arguing that it's just a birth mark, not a birth defect. I say she's a witch either way, but I'm not in charge here. Emmy turns on the waterworks, crying about how she had never left her hometown before now because everyone always made fun of her beause of her birthmark. She can't go back with the birthmark, or else everyone will be like, "What'ya go out west fer if you wuhs just gunna come back lookin' like a napalm fetishist still, Gross Ugly Girl?"
On the H&S set, Kate and Sean discuss how damaging it is to one's ego to be talked badly about by a critic. The same man who tore Sean's boring face a new asshole, August Walden, wrote a review about how gross-looking Kate is also. Now, I understand the spirit of this whole arc, but I must point out that Sean is pretty bland looking and Kate is basically one of those little pig keychains that you squeeze and poop comes out its butt. So this critic is maybe a little hyperbolic, but not off-base, is all I'm saying. Sean's like, "Sorry I was a dick to you while we were dating, what with not being attracted to you and all," and Kate is like, "It's cool. Sorry I shit in your hot tub and ate all your mayonnaise," and Sean's like, "Friends?" and she's like, "Best friends if you go beat up that critic who said I was fat," and Sean's like, "Deal." And they do a solemn little fist-bump.
"Godzilla" plays at the coffee shop where Sean goes to find August Walden, because this guy is a Monster. He looks like if Jeff Foxworthy were covered in pockmarks and part of a Wallace & Gromit film. And had a mullet. Sean is all ready to punch him in the face when he sees what a Picasso this guy is, and then he just laughs at him and is like, "Oh! Hahahahaha! You're so ugly! I was feeling bad about myself because you called me ugly, and I wanted you to apologize, but now I see that I should apologize to you for how much God obviously hates you! Man, you are just the ugliest motherfucker I think I've ever seen. I really can't get over it. It's like if you got a pizza, and then molded it over the face of a statue, and then let pigeons shit on it for three weeks, that's what your face looks like. Just wow. Sorry no one euthanized you in your infancy. Keep it real, dude." As Sean walks away, "Godzilla" becomes louder and the name of the monster repeats, suggesting that perhaps it is Sean, not August, who is the monster here. Hmmm .
Julia shakes like a chihuahua as she covers her face in precious, youth-restoring moisturizer. When she tries to brush her hair, some of it falls out. Haha. She wanders through her AIDS-daze into a room where Christian is fucking some random girl. She's so sick that she has to go chill on the couch to gather the strength she'll need to complain about this. Christian goes out into the living room and is just like, "Yeah, I picked her up at a gas station." Then:
Julia and Christian Finally Get the Hell Over Each Other
Julia: You don't really give a shit about me, do you?
Christian: Well, see, when Sean had you, I really wanted you pretty much just because Sean had you. And I could never have you except for that one time. But he still had you for the record. So I just kept glorifying you in my head and extolling these virtues that you didn't have, just because I figured that you had to be really awesome if I couldn't have you. Plus I imagined that you were hot. And now that I have you, and Sean doesn't even want you? It's not even worth it. And you're sick all the time and you suck and you just complain constantly. It's really lame. And the disillusionment hurts a little bit, but I feel better now that I don't like you anymore. Let's still be friends, though, just like Sean and Kate are doing!
Julia: First of all, how much better does my skin look right now?
Christian: I have to admit, it looks a lot better. Did you just get a chemical peel?
Julia: I think I might have. Anyway, I used to think that you were awesome. That's why I married Sean, because I thought you were awesome, and I figured I'd have way more chances to complain if I married Sean, since he's lame. But then Sean was actually pretty nice, so I had to create conflict. But Sean still always paid a bunch of attention to me. He was really kind & caring. You, now that I have you, are a pile of dog shit, basically, and I regret having wasted my youth and beauty on you. I should go back to Olivia. She's kind & caring. Kindness and caring are extremely important to me just now.
Christian: So we can or can't be friends?
Julia: Can't. You're an asshole. You cheated on me. Plus you're fat.
Christian: Whatevs, Skeletor. Enjoy snatch cancer.
Julia: I hate you forever.
I'm glad that's definitely over.
August shows up at the office to thank Sean for calling him ugly to his face. Sean is like, "This is opposite to the reaction I expected." August uses very proper language, which I don't imagine would necessarily be true of a TV critic. They're usually allowed to be pretty casual. Anyway, they decide that Sean will fix August's face, and August will write a good review of H&S next time.
Emmy is straightening up the recovery room after her surgery, because she is rural and domestic and simple. Christian takes off her bandages, and he's like, "Wow, you're really pretty," and she's like, "Wow, I totally, but I'm also bashful as fuck," and he's like, "That's cute. Now who can I find to have sex with you?"
August's surgery is pretty meh. The part where he got new teeth was cool, I guess, with the little screws in his gums, but other than that it was pretty tame.
Matt is in the office to bring flowers to Rachael, with whom he intends to watch Munich, obviously. He's also learning Hebrew. What a tool this kid is. Christian tries his best to get him to ask Emmy on a date, but he sees Christian's plan for what it is, which is obviously a plan to get Matt to date anyone other than Rachael. He professes his undying love for the her and then storms off.
Olivia is back, and finds Julia all huddled in bed. Julia is like, "Wah wah wah, my life is ruined. I had always relied on my looks to get by, because I'm a shallow cunt, and now that I'm gross looking, I don't know what to do anymore! Waaaaahhh!!" And Olivia is really nice, so she comforts Julia and sends some hair samples off to be tested in a secret Eastern medicine in West Virginia or someplace. Julia is like, "Oh P.S. I had an affair with Christian," and Olivia is like, "That's fair, I guess. I mean, where the hell have I been this whole time, anyway?" and Julia is like, "True, I have no idea."
Eden has been very helpful to Julia lately, pretty much ever since she started being sick. Eden gets Julia more evil poisoned fruitcake, and Julia finds the results from the lab. She has mercury poisoning! Oh no! I guess she will probably become a supervillain now? She already has one white streak in the front of her hair. I really hope that's the slow transformation she's going through. And please let her villain name have something to do with cunts and thermometers. Thermometer Cunt? I'll work on it.
After a check-up, Rachael tells Christian and Sean that she's going back to Israel, but she hasn't told Matt yet. At the precise moment when Sean says, "I think you should tell Matt about this," Matt enters with flowers and Munich, all, "Tell me what?" That's the second time someone did that this episode. What the hell? Anyway, Rachael lets him down pretty easily, telling him that she doesn't love him and that she's just not attracted to him. Ouch, but so true for so many people, I'm sure. He's upset, all, "Oh yeah? You're not attracted to me? That's a laugh! At least I still have a face!" Rachael realizes that Matt looks for answers to life's questions in other people and in crazy religions. This is why we had all the reminders of Matt and his previous, batshit insane girlfriends in the "previously on"s. Matt is just pissed off that he's being dumped by a horribly disfigured woman, who is in turn pissed off that he thinks she shouldn't be allowed to have standards. She tells him that they just don't have a special connection.
Special Connection then looms foremost in Matt's mind as something that will perhaps answer his questions. There is no fixing that kid. He finds Emmy crying over a phone conversation with her mother, considers that she's probably pretty enough to fuck, and asks her out for lunch.
Cut to Matt climaxing on top of Emmy. Just so we're all clear: they definitely have sex. During this sex, they are attracted enough to each other to achieve orgasm. Keep that in mind. They engage in pillow talk, just the usual, "You just took my virginity," "I think we have a special connection," "I'm dreaming about spending the rest of my life with you," kind of thing. I have to admit, Matt is really good at playing a sort of bashfully more experienced, gentle, goofy-in-puppy-love guy, even if he is ugly.
Then the best thing ever happened: Emmy is like, "Man, this week has been great: I met my dad, got my face fixed, and had sex for the very first time with you, an awesome guy." And Matt is like, "Oh, you know who you totally remind me of? I was thinking that you reminded me of someone, and I couldn't place it, but now I just figured it out: Kenneth from 30 Rock. It's the same deer-in-headlights thing going on," and she's like, "Okay " and he's like, "Wait, did you say you met your dad?" and I'm like, "Oh, no, they aren't " and she's like, "Yeah, he's really great. I think I look like him and we have the same sense of humor," and Matt's like, "Is your dad Kenneth from 30 Rock?" and I'm like, "NO NO NO NO OH MY GOD AWESOME SO AWESOME SO AWESOME HAHAHAHAHA!" and she's like, "No, silly, he's the notorious plastic surgeon, Dr. Christian Troy!" And I'm like, "Man, this is so bad!" But then I thought about it, and I have to wonder: Is fucking your half-sister really that much worse than having sex with a transgendered person? Or a Scientologist? Or a burn victim? I mean, I dunno. Maybe it is. Then again, maybe Matt is just horrible at having sex with normal people.
August's face has been fixed, and he still looks like if Jeff Foxworthy were in a Wallace and Gromit film, just without the pock marks and moles: a marketable comedian, but not a good-looking man. He's back, of course, to hit on that barista he likes. I think I forgot to mention that he likes this one barista, but he talks about wanting to be able to connect with her, because obviously that's the secondary theme tonight, but he couldn't before because he was too hideously ugly. So now he's back, now that he's only a normal level of ugly, to mack.
A dude barista walks up to him and starts bitching about how August ruined his career by making him think he was a horrible actor. The bad review got him written off the show and ruined his career, and in retaliation he throws a pot of scalding coffee on August's face. Sure got him good.
Emmy and Matt discuss how they are brother and sister and how they are therefore sinful and gross for having lain together. They are looking at a website about incest couples, because of course there is such a website, and it leads them to believe that if a brother and sister are not raised together, it is natural for them to be attracted to each other, and they will have a stronger connection if they are together. Matt's like, "A stronger connection! That's what I need!" Emmy is worried about if they have kids, won't the kids be all fucked up? And they look at birth defects common to incest babies, and Emmy gets really upset. They don't show the picture of the baby, but from her reaction I'm guessing that it has a birth mark similar to hers. Which in turns leads me to ask, is she the product of incest? Did Christian fuck his sister? If so, and she and Matt were to produce a child, my roommate hypothesizes that "that baby would have, like, a mermaid tail [or some shit]!"
If this mermaid child is born, humanity will be one step closer to evolving into the horrific mermaids that will be featured in my future-award-winning video game, Mermaid Adventure: Scary as fuck. Anyway, Matt promises that they won't get pregnant, and they there and then make a conscious decision to maintain a sexual relationship with one another, with the full knowledge that they were sired from the same scrotum.
Chrisitan shows up and Matt asks him for birth control. Emmy looks a little sad that Matt does not tell Christian that she is his daughter. Christian has done a lot of questionable things in his life, but I think that even he might frown upon two of his offspring sticking it to each other.
Another bad review was written of H&S; Kate eats all the donuts in the world.
Julia sent the fruitcake to the lab and it tested positive for "full of mercury," so she rightfully accuses Eden of poisoning her. She is still shaking like a chihuahua, and Eden knows that she is caught, but still totally in control of the situation. Julia is all, "I'm going to send you to jail!" and Eden is like, "You're just a burden. You're a burden to everyone, because all you ever do is complain and hate people and be jealous and whiny and I'm sick of you. I was just trying to get you away from the people I love." Then she shoots her, except that we don't see it, so I'm not too hopeful yet.
Well that was a pretty good episode, I think. Vanity is an easy theme for a plastic surgery show, but ugly people are fun to laugh at, so it evens out. My good friend Joe has posed these two questions:
1) Do you think that girl [Emmy]'s legit?
I don't know, but I hope so. It doesn't really matter, though. Even if she's not, Matt thinks she is, and he made the decision to have sexual intercourse with her anyway, so he's already fucked up and gross.
2) Do you think Julia's dead?
That will probably never happen. If she is dead (Eden says in the previews that Julia pointed the gun at herself), I'm sure Sean and Christian will perform some sort of surgery to resurrect her, like by replacing her brain with Liz's or something.
Joe suspects that Julia is dead and that Emmy will turn out to be Sean's. I suspect that I am correct about things much oftener than he is, but only time will tell. And that time is one week from now.
Next week: Someone's in a body bag! CR threatens to make Sean pay! Car accident! Season finale!