Move over roses. Get in the back seat heart-shaped boxes of candy. It's 2008, and you're only cool if you send your Valentine a Condom-Gram.
At least, that's what the sorority sisters selling them in the student center want you to think.
Before you pony up that buck to send your special someone the Valentine of the Future, beware. A prophylactic present may say one thing on the surface, but will reveal a much more sinister truth about the sender.
Boyfriend to Girlfriend
Surface Meaning: I love you, baby. You're my Valentine. There's nobody else I'd rather spend the day with than you. Let's make sweet love.
Deeper Meaning: Come on, I know you're on the pill. I don't really have to use this, do I?
Girlfriend to Boyfriend
Surface Meaning: Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie. I've got something special planned for us tonight.
Deeper Meaning: Yes, I'm on the pill. Yes, you're still wearing this. I don't trust you. I never will.
Boy to Girl He's Hooking Up With
Surface Meaning: Hey. Let's get together and give ourselves a reason to use this.
Deeper Meaning: Let's bang. We don't really have to use this do we?
Girl to Boy She's Hooking Up With
Surface Meaning: I, like, totally like to joke around and act all slutty.
Deeper Meaning: I'm a slut.
Boy to Girl Who's 'Just a Friend'
Surface Meaning: I'm so glad that we are such good friends that I can send this to you as a gag gift on Valentine's Day. Hugsies!
Deeper Meaning: Please, let this be the day that she realizes that we are meant for each other. Love can find a way.
Girl to Boy Who's 'Just a Friend'
Surface Meaning: Jokes jokes jokes! Who needs a Valentine when I got a great pal like you. You're such a good buddy. Friends!
Deeper Meaning: I know that deep down inside you're in love with me, and that by giving this to you it will keep you up at night wondering if I really have feelings for you too. The answer is no, but I will continue to torture you. I'm a friggin' sadist.