I wrote this essay between the hours of 4 and 5am as part of an application that was due that evening for a creative writing seminar. It turns out the professor blogged for the emo porn site Suicide Girls for about a year so everything turned out for the best.

It's 4am right now as I start this writing sample. This isn't the first time that I've pushed a deadline a little past what I should. My parents ask me all the time: "Why don't you just start assignments ahead of time? Don't you know it will make your life easier?" I always tell them exactly what every other college student would say: "It's easier said than done, parents. I'm a bad procrastinator. "I'm not telling them the whole truth though. I'm not only a procrastinator, but also a masturbator. Teachers realize that students tend to put things off until the last minute, but I think they would be a little more lenient with deadlines were they to know the lengthy, and well thought out, process that is masturbation. The first time-waster is the distracting allure of something more interesting than whatever you're doing at the moment: who wouldn't rather watch a slutty bimbo suck cock over speed bumps for money on bangbus.com than study dark matter in the universe (unless, of course, dark matter refers to blacktasticfuckfest.com, which is definitely worth a cursory perusal)? Once the thought impregnates my mind, I know that there is no hope for me to finish estudiar-ing espaƱol until I crank one out. For the sake of time, I usually just go to the library bathroom and work some magic to the thought of every hot girl I've ever met offering me her vagina. However, once I became spoiled by constant access to my private laptop, I realized I could look at real nakedness without worrying that my parents will check my history trail. This is really when wacking it became a significant event in my day; I might even consider it an extra-curricular of sorts. I usually start with a simple Google pictures search. Maybe I'll just look at the masses of images on each search page or maybe I'll click on a particular picture to explore the unknown possibilities of the interweb – it depends how Sherlock Holmesy I'm feeling. Like most Ivy League students, I quickly realized that intense research was the only way to make the grade. I start with one source, and then expand my data using related source links. For example, let's say I'm looking at a blonde with a banana in her cooch (not something I'm usually interested in, but I'm willing to take one for the team for the sake of thorough research) and I see a link that says, "see Veronica put other things in her vajj!" I become intrigued and must explore. This could continue until I have up to 7 separate windows open with different vaginas all staring at me. It is a mosaic of gaping vaginas. While very aesthetically pleasing, it is nonetheless time consuming and difficult to orient the overlapping windows so that all of the essential body parts are seen. Each collage could take 45 minutes, especially if I'm having trouble finding what I like to call, "the one." "The one" is that very lucky picture that I choose to bust to. It can't be just any old banana in the vagina pic. I need a cute smile and kind eyes to accompany the tits and ass, but the type of classy girl I'm looking for can sometimes be hard to find on watchthisotterlickmyasshole.com. At this point in my masturbating career, maintaining a steady relationship would probably be more efficient. Now all I need is my own little bang bus. But I guess that's what the Yale Minibus is for.