Some people are private people.  I am not. 

For this reason, I am about to describe to you the distress I feel before an appointment with my doctor, specifically when my doctor is going to be looking around…down there.

Before the appointment, I find myself worrying about things that, in all likelihood, the doctor does not give a damn about.  To tell the truth, I put more effort into basement maintenance before a doctor appointment than I would on a big date.  This is probably because on a big date, there is only a small chance that the lucky lady will be seeing my special parts.  When I go to the doctor, no matter how bad my game is, the date is invariably going to end with him staring at my genitalia. 

I make sure I got the nice boxers ready, as I don't want Doc thinking I wear dirty drawers all day.  I also make sure I am nicely groomed down there.  I don't aim to be completely shaven because I don't want Doc thinking I am a porn star. I just want to be groomed enough that he can do his work and maybe even stop to think, "Hmm, he must be having sex fairly regularly. This is well maintained. And the shaving of his initials into his scrotum hair was a classy, if not peculiar, touch."

One part of the visit that can cause some discomfort is the initial unveiling of your penis.  Men know that when a penis has been tucked inside that hot, dark region of your pants all day, it's basically a shadow of its usual self by the time you grant it freedom.  See, this is a problem because I don't want my doctor thinking I have a small penis. It's not because I am attracted to my doctor.  It's simply a matter of pride.  I wouldn't want my mailman or insurance salesman thinking I have a small penis either. It's just that in their line of work, I don't have to whip down my pants and actually show it to them.  And, as I learned, if I do choose to do that, legal consequences usually follow.

So what can you do to make your penis come out of its shell?  Well you can give it the little tug. The little tug is pretty self explanatory.  You can give your little buddy a couple little tugs to coax him into blossoming a little bit.  I've never actually had the courage to try this because I am always afraid of giving it one tug too many.  I could see it all going horribly wrong. 

Doctor: "Well DJ, I would love to check out this worrisome lump on your testicle, but I can't help but be distracted by your gigantic erection."

With the thought of this horrific scenario unfolding, I just pull down my boxers, sans little tug, and hope for the best. 

This entire thought process may seem way too involved for something as minor as a visit to the doctor, but it isn't without its merits.  When Sidney Crosby retires from hockey one day and he meets up with some former teammates, they are going to ask him, "What was the most special goal you ever scored?"

Make no mistake about it, when my family doctor retires, he will be out golfing with some other retired doctors and the question will come up: "What was the most memorable penis you ever had to examine?"

And if my attention to detail pays off, my doctor will look to the skies, rub his chin, and with a nostalgic timbre in his voice, he'll say, "It was winter, 2008. His name was D.J…"