Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Remember how last week I said that I was sorry for killing that really big tiger who was attacking those old nuns in the enchanted dark forest? Well, to be perfectly honest, I made it up. There's not even really an enchanted dark forest in Illinois. At least that's what Google Maps says. Anyways, it's just that I was thinking you would tell God about me and then he would be like, "Psh, yeah I want a dude who can kill a tiger in heaven," just in case there's another angel war or whatever. Anyways, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have tried to get one by you. I swear it won't happen again, god as my witness.

Peace Father.

P.S. Oh yeah, sorry I had to confess via email. It's just that there's another mutant alligator attacking the school of the blind and I thought that I should thwart it off again. Bare-handed. Blindfolded. Without a helmet. Right hand tied behind my back. And alone. Whatever, no big deal, we both know I love saving lives.