Disturbing news this week: at least 1 in 4 teenage girls has an STD, the most prevalent of which being the human papillomanvirus, or HPV.  In an effort to educate my fellow red state brethren who received abstinence-only sex ed in high school, I shall demonstrate how difficult it is to spot a venereal disease by inviting you to surmise which of these four women carry an STD:





Figure A: This woman would appear to be your run of the mill club hopping party girl, which at first glance makes her a likely candidate to be a Petri dish/incubater for a veritable smorgasbord of claps, crabs, drips, and trichs.  Look closer though, notice anything about the bartender behind her?  That's right, a bow tie.
  What about the tile grout?  That's right- spotless.  This is a classy establishment, like a bath house or a gentleman's club.  STDs have no business in places as fine as these.  It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal, so you get nothing!  You lose!  Good day sir!  By lose, I mean win of course since you don't get an STD.  It is still recommended one does not pursue interaction with this type as numerous, non disease related deficiencies abound with the club hopping party girl subspecies [see Figure A.1].  Unless of coure said person falls into the $30,000 millionare bracket, aka accountancy major, and wants to flash some green.

Figure B: A lady.  Madame —, having first taken ill this haverst moon past, has, under duress, consented to the inspection of her parts unmentionable (those being her ankles) in order to hasten the prognosis of a treatment best suitable.  While extensive anatomical investingation has yielded her to be a woman of chaste virtue, it is likely that an influx of malicious vapours has coupled with a deficiency of the humours, thus rendering her wont to experience fits of hysteria (as is common with those of the lesser sex) as well as a general melancholic disposition.  It is recommended she be cured through the science of a most rigorous electroid shocking.

Figure C: Trick figure!  This is actually a man with a penis, making him invalid for this study.

Figure D
: This is a member of the Greatest Generation we're talking about.  She survived the Great Depression and World War II so what chance does HPV have?  Her generation lived by a code of roll-up-your sleeves candoitness- not the pussy-footed I'lltryitness of today.  Back in her day you had to walk 30 miles in the snow (that's two counties over) just to get a pap smear, and you forget to wear a condom?  Show some fucking respect.