The fourth installment of the Indiana Jones adventures may be first and foremost on fans' minds lately, but that hardly means we should turn away from the unsung heroes, little-known villains, and forgotten faces from the original Jones trilogy.
If you were a German soldier sweating your 7-foot ass off digging through Cairo for some magical chest, wouldn't you take the opportunity to vent some frustration by beating the crap out of a fedora-wearing American trespassing on your airstrip? It's hard to imagine what purpose this mustachioed strongman served before Jones' arrival, other than turning Egypt into a 1920's Coney Island freakshow.
Think going to church every Sunday was a drag? Give thanks you didn't kneel at the same altar as this poor disciple. While you were bitching over Tuesday Bible study, he was having his beating heart torn from his chest before being slowly lowered into a lava pit. He was also told to recite ten Hail Marys and an Our Father.
There may not be a handbook for pilots escorting archaeologists to forbidden temples, as Jock does at the end of Raiders' opening scene, but when your passenger is running toward you chased by half the Peruvian jungle while screaming "Start the engine!" it's common sense that you don't debate whether or not to keep fishing. Also, if you plan on leaving a live python in his seat, try to let him know.
Yes, he was a mass-murdering sociopath who single-handedly ruined the Chaplin-style mustache for the rest of the world. But at least the Fuhrer was gracious enough to autograph Indy's diary when the two collided at a Berlin Nazi rally. Pay close attention to his John Hancock; for a failed painter, his penmanship is simply remarkable.
For all his courageous acts, Indy can be a cowardly son of a bitch sometimes. A talented Egyptian swordsman presumably spends years mastering the art of the blade, only to have Jones unload a pistol on him because he's too damn lazy to fight on equal terms. A bit of advice, Highlander: Next time, either find more noble opponents or learn to fight with a semi-automatic.
Just because your archeology professor is a ruggedly handsome globe-trotter with a leather jacket and a PhD doesn't give you the right to freak him out with aggressive flirtations during class. Even a man who crawled through a snake-filled cavern isn't impervious to a room full of young nymphomaniac co-eds. It's no wonder Jones takes every chance he can to get as far from campus as possible.
No Indiana Jones film would be complete without some divine intervention from the Almighty. Regardless of what name He goes by (Shiva, Jehovah, George Lucas's Industrial Light and Magic, etc.) the Big Guy can always be relied upon to melt more faces, blow up more heads, and generally kick more Nazi ass than the Nuremberg Trials.