Carbon Dioxide Emissions, Fuel Efficiency, and Alternative Energy
All of these problems can be fixed with one solution: OUTLAW VEHICLES. Instead, we will ride around on tigers with saddles strapped to their backs.

They're completely safe for the environment, they consume zero fuel (save the occasional gazelle), and you'll never have to worry about hitting a deer on the highway! Also, you'll be giving the Soviet Russia treatment to any dog that decides to chase you.

Iraq War
Bring our troops home!
I'm not saying we should end the war. I'm saying we're fighting with the wrong guys. Bring home our brave men and women of the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines…and replace them with the New England Patriots and their fans.
Still think you're invincible after that Super Bowl loss? Well strap in, you Bostonian bastards! We're about to put your theory to the test.

Gay Marriage
Yucky! Next.

Illegal Immigration

Does Peter Jackson still have that Black Gate of Mordor sitting around? Good. Set that up around the Rio Grande and call it good. If they can get around a 300-foot wall of metal guarded by minions of orcs, they deserve to live here!

One word: WAL-MART (is that two words?). Starting today, everyone shops at Wal-Mart. Also, everyone works at Wal-Mart. Also, everyone lives at Wal-Mart (thanks to their low-cost bunk beds and barracks). No more cities and towns, just giant Wal-Marts dotting the country. And plenty of fun blue vests for everyone!