Talking trash online is one of the lamest things a gamer can do. At that point, all you are doing is proving to everyone else playing how much of a tool you are while simultaneously reinforcing all of your insecurities. I enjoy making these trash-talkers feel stupid. In this two-part series you will find examples of horrible trash talk followed by ways to counter said trash talk, or ways to improve upon your horrible trash-talk. Most of my trash-talking experiences have come in Halo, so that is where I will be concentrating the bulk of my research.

"Double Kill!!!"-
The lamest of all Halo trash-talking moments. If you really think that this is an accomplishment you need to re-evaluate your basic motor skills. Saying "double kill" after getting a double kill is like saying "finished dinner!!" after finishing your dinner. Why are they the same you ask? Well, because I finish dinner EVERY TIME I EAT DINNER. Double kills happen every game. And if you are so bad that you can't get a double kill every game, you shouldn't announce it to everyone.

What I would do to counter it:
Every time I come across this idiot for the rest of the game I want to be yelling over my microphone, "hey! Congrats on the double kill! Great job!" or some variation on that. Then sound like you are genuinely hurt when he shoots you every time you come to congratulate him. It will last at least 5 minutes if you catch it in the game early enough, and it is sure to aggravate the hell out of them. This kind of response makes trash-talkers angry to no end.

"No scoped!!! Aw I just no scoped you, you fa%*t!!!" –
This is a two-part criticism. The deleted expletive above will be discussed in further detail below. I had to make it a part of this one because typically many of the announced achievements in a game are immediately followed by an arbitrary insult to someone's character or life choices. Arbitrary because it has nothing to do with what you just announced. You could say "I just no scoped you, and I enjoy ice cream" and it would mean just as much to me.

Now, a no-scope one-shot kill would be impressive if Halo players didn't do it by accident 99.9 percent of the time. If you are so good at Halo that you are able to do it at will for an entire game, you should probably call your family because they are most likely worried that you are dead since you haven't stopped playing the game since it came out. Imagine yourself driving your car with a friend in the passenger seat. You hit a patch of ice and end up facing the other way on the grass opposite where you started. Then you yell, "did you see that 180 I just pulled? You couldn't do that you f$@#t!!" So once again, a scenario like this in real life is just ridiculous.

What I Would do to counter it:
Similar to the last scenario, this time run up to the guy who no-scoped you and bragged about it and say something like "hey man, I heard about your scope! Did you find it yet?" or, "Hey don't shoot!! I want this game to be fair so I'm gonna help you find your scope!!" It is blatantly obvious that you are making fun of them, but they can't be mad at you if you sound sincere enough. Hopefully this will make them feel stupid for bragging about something they didn't mean to do in the first place.

Calling someone "gay" –
This one seems to exist across a broad range of games. First off, it is incredibly rude and insensitive. They don't care though because they are anonymous. Secondly, what relation does being gay have with gaming. Why does it matter if I'm gay or not? If a gay man or woman shot you in the face, with a sniper rifle you would be just as dead.

What I would do to counter it:
In the post game lobby, counter everything the other team says by saying "you have a really nice butt." Say this exact phrase no matter what they say in response. Nothing aggravates a trash-talker more than someone saying the same thing over and over again, particularly when you are reminding him how stupid his insult was in the first place. Having experienced this scenario before, the opponent will probably try to impress his friends or himself by just yelling over you. In this instance, you allow him to finish being tough, be quiet for a moment, wait 3 seconds, and then say "you have a nice butt" again. Hilarity will ensue and he will probably sound like Don Vito.

Greg Townsend is an editor of www.gonemicrosoft.com.