The best part of wakin' up (at 6PM on Tuesday).

I used to have a coke problem. Every time I did it I wanted to sing karaoke.
Ohio State Fan Who Doesn't Get It
"I like Ohio State so much, I bleed red."
Politically Correct Bigoted Preacher
-Heterosexually-challenged individuals are in league with Satan!
-Members of the New Testament-deprived Biblical community are a threat to America!
-You must not allow your daughters to wear jewelery or makeup lest they begin to offer sexual favors as their livelihood!
Crazy Presidential Coincidences
1. Lincoln's secretary's last name was Kennedy, and Kennedy's secretary's last name was Lincoln.
2. Abraham's son was present at the assassinations of both James Garfield and William McKinley.
3. The magic ice bullet used to kill Kennedy was actually produced in a secret underground laboratory in Lincoln, Nebraska!
The doctor said my grandpa had the lungs of a 9-year-old… who'd been smoking for 70 years.
The Writers of "Meet the Spartans" Doing Stand-up
"Remember when Britney shaved her head…? Ok thank you, that's our time. Hope we were able to remind you of things."
Ways In Which To Actually "Party Like It's 1999"
1. Ensure all electronic party equipment is Y2K compatible
2. Suggest "Austin Powers"-themed costumes to guests
3. Actually care about Will Smith's "Willennium"
Peter Pan in Various Situations
- In Traffic: "I ain't getting any older!"
- In Waiting Room: "I ain't getting any older!"
-At Psychiatrist: "Do you have any idea what it feels like to know you're never going to die?"
I don't know what India's flag looks like, all I know is they should trade with Japan.
Why Smoking Weed Is A Lot Like Going To A Baseball Game
-A hit is always good
-Things can move really slowly
-You'll spend fifty dollars on food
-America's favorite passtime
Putting the "D*ck" In "Masochistic"
A man with a giant scar on his face meets his friend at a bar.
FRIEND: Jesus, Man, are you okay? What happened?"
MAN: I hurt myself.
FRIEND How?
MAN: No, idiot. I hurt myself.
Musings on the Game of Bridge
Here's a question of theory: When your opponents open the bidding, should you climb in with a light hand, hoping to disrupt their auction, or should you act only with sound values so your partner can judge what to do? If you are still reading this you are an enormous loser.