Plausible excuses for when your roommate catches you rubbing one out:

"I have lower back tension; what you heard was a very strong back massager. Nah, I'll wait until you leave to use it again. It's so loud and annoying."

"This is the living room? I could have sworn I was in my bed."

"The doctor said I should check for lumps or irregularities."

"Don't worry, this isn't what it looks like, I just pissed my pants, that's all."

"My dick itched. A lot."

"Is this the kitchen? I could have sworn I was in the living room."

At 6:28, "Oh, hey, I thought your class got out at 6:30."


"I just found it in my pants and I wanted to make sure it was mine."

"My hand feels like a vagina."

"Oh…no i didn't realize this was a picture of your mom."

"Shit, I didn't know you were in this class."

"Is this your bedroom? I could have sworn it was the kitchen."

"You're just so cute when you're asleep."

"No one will have sexual intercourse with me."

Thanks to Gorman, Justin, Slane, LOTW, Quailman, Oxnard, Hrab, Happy Happy Happy Man, and Katie for their contributions.