In order to clebrate the last day of classes, my friend and I went on a little trip. It involved acid. Well our creative juices were still flowing and our English final was 2 days aways, so for some reason we thought it would be a good idea to make our own fairy tale. Thank God one of my friends refused to do drugs. He documented the whole thing while we sat and listened to the white album (I think I finally understood what Revolution 9 is all about. Too bad he didn't write that part down). What follows is my story in Arabia. Disclaimer: What follows may confuse you. Live with it.

Well in my past life I was none other than the great Aladdin. Some may know me as Prince Ali Ababwa. What most people don't know is my story after I married Jasmine. Lived happily ever after? Bullshit. You all remember Abu? well let me tell you something: that was one f*cked up monkey.

So after marrying the Princess we settled down in Agrabah and talked everyday. She taught me how to belly dance. We put beads on and shit and danced around to the sitar. I was so awesome. Jazzy told me I needed to lose some weight. What a bitch. Didn't matter. She was hot. Like when we would sing together. Such a turn-on. Anyways, the point is that we were having a good time. Living it up. I tried a papaya. It was delicious.

Well then this one time I went to the market to try to find a new rug or something because Carpet flew away when Genie left. Whatever. I can find a new magic carpet. This one old guy said he knew magic. All I had to do was close my eyes. I don't think it was magic. Anyways, when I got back from the market the whole palace was ruined. I mean the whole f*cking palace. And standing on top one of those big golden domes that remind me of Hershey's kisses—oh God some chocolate sounds so good right now. Hey do we still have those Fritos from Tuesday? In the top drawer? Sweet.

Well standing on top of that dome thing was Abu. You remember that nice little monkey, ²ight? Yeah well he is not so nice anymore. He was like 20 feet tall. Like a monster. Abu the cute little monkey was Abu the horrendous monster. And he was purple. And green too i think. And he was eating a papaya that was actually a person. It was like a papaya that looked like a person. Or the other way around.

He saw me and ripped up part of the castle, throwing it in all directions. A bed hit me. Like, it landed on me. It started attacking me, like clawing my back and shit. I never knew beds had claws. I whipped out my cutlass and chopped the bed in half. I also never knew that beds bled orange. I didn't know that they bled at all, actually. Abu leapt down from the building and chased me through the streets. I knocked some guy off his horse (hey! I think it was the same guy that taught me magic) and galloped away into the moonlight. Except it was the day. No wait. Never mind. It was night. But there is no moon is the Middle East.

I rode until my horse died and kept walking and walking. After a few days, I keeled over.

I awoke later in a daze. The room was spinning. There was blue everywhere. Oh wait. That's my clock. That's my desk. What the f*ck? I was back in Michigan. Yet I had a goal. I needed to train. That night while sleeping, I got a vision from the dead Sultan to avenge him and his daughter's death. Have you ever realized how fat that man is? It's ridiculous. He reminds me of a papaya. In the dream he spoke to me: "Aladdin, you must kill Abu. The journey will be tough, but it must be done. His death will bring about the great prophecy."

The next day, I got up early at about 10:00 and did like 30 push-ups and 30 sit-ups. But this would only be the beginning…