Simon Says "don't read this blurb"
Similarities between going to the gym and having sex:
-You have to pace yourself to avoid embarrassment.
-If you wake up the next morning without any sore muscles you're doing something wrong.
-Consult literature or a website before trying something new.
-Sweaty old men tend to detract from the overall experience.
-Pat Robertson
If Michael Moore Directed Star Wars
-The Stormtroopers would be an entire army of closeted homosexuals
-The destruction of the Death Star is a methodical conspiracy carried out by the Empire to breed hatred for the Rebels.
-The Rebel Alliance's top priority would be a minimum wage increase.
-Darth Vader denies the galaxy of universal healthcare.
-Stephen Davenport
I think a quick way to gauge your abilities as a father would be to determine how much your child enjoys the band Everclear.
-Brendan Bell
Angles in the Outfield:
Desperate to boost revenue, the Red Sox and Rangers took out ads in the outfield by playing Coco Crisp and Milton Bradley. Desperate to stop the construction of an indoor stadium to replace Wrigley Field, the Cubs signed Kosuke Fukudome.
-Kevin Slane
Things that sound like they should be nude but aren't:
Naked Brothers Band
The Naked Chef
Jessica Alba
-Chase Mitchell
Werner Heisenberg
He put the "taint" in "certainty."
-Matt Enstrom
The worst part about diarrhea is the fear of not getting to the bathroom in time. Either that, or the taste.
-Happy Happy Happy Man
Corporate Slogans With Subliminal Sexual Messages
…Once You Pop, The Fun Don't Stop
…It's What You Crave
…Step Into A Slim Jim – EAT ME!
…Mmmmm Beefy
-Josh Carter
Quotes from your contractor or a prostitute?
-My rates are $75 an hour
-I'll caulk that hole
-I need another guy on this
-Dan Lopez
Sex advice we all learned in elementary anatomy class
The way to a girl's ass is through her stomach.
-Matt Gorman
You should never judge a book by its cover. Unless there's a naked guy on the cover.
-El Barto