When John McTiernan and Bruce Willis got together and made Die Hard, they didn't just create an action movie by which all overs would be judged, they unknowingly created a perfect system by which I can gauge all of my friendships. Clearly, in this friendship scale, I am everyman-turned-Superman John McClane. You can take this scale and apply it to your friends and acquaintances and see how they measure up.

Level 1: Holly McClane-Gennaro - My closest, most battle-tested friend. I would walk over broken glass for you- and not in the gay Annie Lennox way, I mean it literally. Fact of the matter is, at the end of the day, I can count on you to punch a douchebag reporter in the teeth when I'm just too exhausted to do it myself.

Level 2: Sgt. Al Powell – When the shit hits the fan, you'll have my back. You're the type of person who is so loyal you'd be able to overcome your fear of using a firearm to save me from a gargantuan German whom I thought I had strangled with a steel chain. There is also the slight chance you've shot a kid.

Level 3: Argyle – The definition of a friendship of convenience. Yeah, we can share some laughs, but when the going gets tough, you're too busy raiding my limo's mini-bar and making your plans for tonight.

Level 4: The Principal from The Breakfast Club (Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson) – You're a dick. Plain and simple. But, because of your position, I am forced to respect your decisions. That will not stop me from undermining your authority and making fun of your stupid name.

Level 5: Ellis – I try my best to be civil around you, even if you do spend your time hitting on my wife and doing blow, but it wouldn't ruin my night if you were shot in the head by German terrorists.

Level 6: Hans Gruber – You are my sworn enemy. Need this to be any clearer? Let me put it this way- I would consider my night a success if I was the reason you plummeted to your death from the 40th floor of a Los Angeles highrise. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

Level 7: Broken Glass – Fuck you.