Open on Alvin and the Chipmunks, at band practice. They begin to sing, but it quickly becomes apparent that something is off. Finally, Alvin snaps.
SIMON: Excuse me? MY problem? Last time I checked, we were a GROUP.
THEODORE: Guys, come on, not this again.
ALVIN: Shut up, Ted. You know that sounded like crap.
SIMON: Leave him alone, Alvin.
ALVIN: And Simon, where the hell were you on that major third?
SIMON: Oh, like your falsetto was perfect? You sound like a f*cking mouse.
THEODORE: Easy, Simon.
ALVIN: A MOUSE!? Do I look like a f*cking mouse to you?
SIMON: Do you really want me to answer that?
ALVIN: You have been bringing us down for WEEKS now, Simon. What is your deal?
SIMON: My DEAL is that I'm tired of listening to your holier-than-thou bullsh*t.
ALVIN: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were Simon and the Chipmunks.
SIMON: And who put you first anyway?
THEODORE: It's alphabetical.
SIMON: F*ck THAT. He's constantly late to performances, he is always making Dave yell, and he refuses to make us letters for our shirts.
ALVIN: You know that wasn't my decision.
SIMON: Whatever, Alvin. I'm tired of following your lead. I don't care how many minutes older than me you are.
SIMON: WHATEVER. I'm too smart for this small-time musician crap. I wear GLASSES for pete's sake.
ALVIN: Now who's acting like holier-than-thou?
SIMON: I'm sorry, what? Did you even see the latest band posters?
Simon holds up a band poster, which is 90% taken up by a badass shot of Alvin. Simon and Theodore are barely visible in the background.
SIMON: NOT nice, what are you talking about! You can barely even SEE us.
ALVIN: You should have moved closer to the camera.
SIMON: And you couldn't have picked a better picture? I'M BLINKING!
Zoom in on Simon's part of the poster, where his eyes are half closed and he looks drunk.
ALVIN: It's not my fault I'm more charismatic than you, Simon.
SIMON: I'd just like to know whose nuts you cheeked to get where you are.
ALVIN: You know what, screw you. Dave wanted you out of the band at the start and I said NO WAY, MAN, that is my brother.
SIMON: Well don't bother defending me, because I'm out.
ALVIN: FINE, we don't even NEED YOU.
THEODORE: Alright, ENOUGH, both of you!
Alvin and Simon are both shocked.
THEODORE: I sit here every day, quietly listening, playing the innocent one, but this is ridiculous. You guys are acting like a couple of squirrels (Alvin and Simon gasp) YEAH I SAID IT, SQUIRRELS. So why don't you both calm down and let's get back to work, ok?
SIMON: He started it.
ALVIN: F*ck you!
THEODORE: HEY ASSHOLES. Quit it. Simon, if we print new posters, will you stop acting like a baby?
THEODORE: And Alvin, without us you're just a chipmunk singing about hula hoops. I suggest you remember that.
ALVIN:(shrugs sheepishly) Mmhm.
THEODORE: Now. About those letters.