Ethan: DeShawn Stevenson for President! I want a chief executive who isn't afraid to throw out a throat slash when he's down by ten points. George Bush doesn't even do that until he's up by like twenty.
Amir: I love him. When was the last time the NBA had a bigger villain than the WWE?
Ethan: His beard alone is every bit the villain that the Iron Sheik was in his prime. The best part about Stevenson is that none of his behavior makes any sense. He'll showboat when he's losing. He'll wear a Mike Vick jersey. He'll ask Eddie Jordan to give Brendan Haywood's rotation spot to Soulja Boy. Why hasn't LeBron just finished him off?
Amir: Because LeBron is just one person, and Stevenson/Butler/Jamison is a pretty good three headed monster. Besides, you think the basketball gods would allow this series to go any less than seven?
Ethan: I hope they'd end it quick just to keep LeBron from getting hurt. Darius Songaila is going to show up with a baseball bat as the Wiz get progressively more violent with LeBron. I thought the East series were supposed to suck. Pistons-Sixers has been fun, and the Hawks are surprisingly feisty. Pistons and Celtics still win those series, though, right?
but I think they both lost their right to be called favorites to win it all. I'm just hoping we get ot see some game 7's: Where anything can happen! Who's doing a better job this postseason: Kobe Bryant or DeShawn Stevenson's publicist?
Ethan: Kobe who? I think you meant "Chris Paul."
Amir: I'm really torn about this San Antonio/New Orleans series. On one hand the Hornets have home court advantage, and on the other hand San Antonio never loses. As a Laker fan I'm hoping Nawlins can pull it off, but who's the smart money on?
Ethan: I like the Spurs, but mostly out of habit. Should be an exciting series, if only because Paul plays some scrappy D. If the Spurs were flopping so badly against the Suns, wait for someone to really hit Ginobili.
Amir: "So this is what pain really feels like?!"
Ethan: He'll bring a coffin onto the court and fake his own death. Side note: has anyone ever had a worse haircut than Brent Barry? He looks like one of those skeevy guys who hangs around in front of gas stations. He doesn't really work there; he just doesn't have anywhere else to go drink his Beast Ice tallboys.
Amir: Brent Barry, Bruce Bowen, Robert Horry
how can the Spurs have so many role players from the 90's?! That's it, I'm picking New Orleans in that series.
Amir: Let's make a bet right now, you get the Spurs, I get the Hornets. Loser has to
Ethan: I'll take that bet. Loser has to coach the Heat next year.
Amir: A job so bleak that not even Larry Brown would choose it. I mean, he'll rebuild the Bobcats, but a team lead by Ricky Davis? No thank you!
Ethan: I firmly believe that Brown must be losing it in his old age. There's no way he even knew there was a team called the Bobcats before he signed that contract. Since Pat Riley quit, does Stan Van Gundy get to come back to the Heat now? The Magic pretty much coach themselves.
Amir: Dwight Howard can follow in the footsteps of past Orlando big men and become a player/coach like Tree Rollins.
Ethan: Howard has been looking at Danny Ainge like he'd like to bite him
Give us your NFL Draft grades:
Amir: A, A-, A-, B and a C. You?
Ethan: I gave every team a B /A-, although I wrote "See me" on the Texans' draft sheet. Did anything about the draft really surprise you? Other than the Titans drafting another running back to help pull whatever wagon LenDale white's tubby ass needs to get down the field this season, that is.
Amir: I don't know too much about the inner workings of salary cap/draft position/team needs, though I'm pretty sure when the Cowboys drafted Felix Jones they thought they were getting the other Arkansas RB. Look at the name, not just the position/school Jerry Jones!
Ethan: Jones was a great pick there in case Pac-Man can't come back and return kicks. I liked that Brian Brohm and Chad Henne were able to have their awkward televised freefalls from the comfort of their own homes, not some stuffy draft green room. Speaking of Brohm, isn't it nice that we didn't even have to wait to see Aaron Rodgers start a game to receive confirmation that he's not any good?
Amir: Don't talk about a fellow Golden Bear like that. You don't see me dissing your teams' NFL players. I just don't know too much about Punter Ryan Plackemeier. Why did Minnesota wait until round five to get a QB. Do they trust Tavaris Jackson that much?
Ethan: I think they were hoping Jared Allen can play QB, too. Are any of these guys going to be fantasy-relevant this year? I'd say maybe McFadden, but the Raiders have so many running backs. Lamont Jordan needs his mediocre touches!
Amir: Jake Long if you're in a very intense fantasy league. I look for him to lead the AFC in holding penalties denied.
Ethan: I guess we should really be talking about fantasy baseball since it's in season. Max Scherzer is the truth and the way! One pitcher to lead them all! And unlike when we said that about Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy, and Johnny Cueto, this time I mean it. Is Barry Zito's contract the worst use of money of all time? It's like the Giants are paying someone to punch their fans in the stomach.
Amir: You have to be pretty bad to be known as the most hated baseball Barry in San Francisco, but at least Bonds isn't currently sabatoging the team's chances at a postseason run.
Ethan: I like that Zito's now too bad to be in the Giants' rotation. I didn't even think that was possible. Got an interesting fact for this week?
Amir: Kevin Durant is going to win Rookie of the Year award, which marks the first time ever that everybody's pre-season prediction about something was correct.
Ethan: Scientific facts are my favorite kind! Until next week, get excited for the Flyers' dominance!
Amir and Ethan also run a random jersey blog called StraightCashHomey.net.