Preface

Allow me to begin this advice column by saying that there is a definite correlation between your class standing, where you live and whether or not your pocket children will be born into that dirty sock of yours on a lonely Friday night. That said, if you are within one calendar year of graduating, your best chance is to get a hotel room every weekend or say that you have to go to her place because your house is being fumigated. Trust me, she will not unbuckle her belt in anticipation while your senior ass is in the elevator with her on the way to sixth floor Smith House in Wembley Hall.

Knowing Your Clientele and the Importance of a Pleasing Workspace


Now, for those of age, there are a number of certain objects that, when placed strategically in that 100 square foot space you call home, will considerably help your odds to seal the deal in a place that is normally seen as a poon black hole, if you will. But here, you've got an advantage over those off-campusers: since all of your worldly possesions are in such close proximity, she will quickly spy these objects, assess that you're definitely more attractive than how you look and sound, and you will be set.



Keys to Success

1. Acoustic Guitar:

Yes, I know all douchebags have guitars. Yes, I know you said you'd never stoop that low. However, imagine coming back to your room at 2 AM and in her inebriated state she sees the guitar. She whines that you should play something. If you can play 'Hey There Delilah', stop reading this, as she's already fellating you. If you can't, don't panic. You only need to play the part of guitarist extraordinaire. This is how to play the G-chord. Master it (oh come on – it'll take 10 minutes you baby). Then, listen to every acoustic song you know. Practice strumming in the same pattern as they do. I know! It sounds like you can play, right?! When the time comes, just BS a song for 15-30 seconds. If she hasn't sexily thrown the guitar on the ground yet, fret not. Go to number two.

2. Funny/intriguing posters:

Nope. Scarface is not going to do it. Ever wonder why every carnival you've ever been to has hundreds of Scarface posters you can throw darts at to win? I'm going to let you in on some posters that will fool her into thinking you are clever, charming, and/or appreciative of good movies. Girls, in their pre-coitus ritual, love reading things. As you're quickly im'ing your friends about this totally hot chick in your room, she's going to need some reading material. You'll want to get the wordiest and most complicated, overly-full posters you possibly can. I know, I know, that's too much stuff on a poster. But you'll thank me. Specifically, the Wedding Crashers Rules for Crashing, and any poster that includes complicated drink/shot recipes and drinking game instructions. You know the ones I'm talking about. You tried reading the recipe poster in your older brother's room when you were in 10th grade, but fell asleep. Don't worry, the fact that it's on your wall will lead her to think you have the attention span of an Adderall addict during finals. That latest issue of Cosmo she just read said she should look for a guy that had the patience to go downtown all night. She just found him.

3. Video games:

Easy, Poindexter. Put that PS3 or Xbox 360 back in the cabinet. She wants nothing to do with your Calls of Duty or Halos. What you'll need here is a Wii, preferably with Guitar Hero. Are you seeing a theme here? If you decided to forego my acoustic guitar advice (dumbass), you've got this to fall back on. Girls love variety, and they love being taught what to do. You get the perfect one-two punch with Wii Sports and Guitar Hero. They will act very shy, giggly, and flirty when you bust out that Wii-mote or guitar. Make sure to tease her lightly when she fails miserably (she understands this ritual, why don't you?), and that you're not too good at it yourself (being a nerd is never sexy, unless you've snagged an engineering chick). Pretty soon, all you'll be hearing is the annoying Guitar Hero III menu looping Barracuda over and over again after the controllers fall to the ground. But it'll be worth it. If you're feeling especially gutsy, try incorporating the Wii into getting laid. Ever tried strip Wii bowling? Yeah. I know.

Get Out There and Succeed!

And there you have it. It's so simple! Have you ever wondered why you hear music, laughter, and general merriment in that guy's room across the hall while you cry yourself to sleep? Well, you just haven't followed my advice yet. You've still got time though. Get out there and use that hellhole called university housing to your advantage!