I never want to leave college.



We are smack dab big titties right in the middle of the best years of our lives.  Think about it.  When are you ever going to be able to party with drunk 19 year old girls every day of the week, sleep til 3pm, wake up and do it again the next day?  Never.  There's a word for that in the real world.  It's called a sex offender. 

Not in college.

College is a magical place.  It really is the best practical joke in the history of the world (minus the holocaust).  Think about it.  Not to discourage those going through a dry spell, but if you can't get ass while you're here…things are really gonna suck for you in the real world.  We spend every day with 10,000 people of the opposite sex going or not going to things called "classes".  As if simply walking by these people every day isn't enough, someone decided that we should all live within a 3 mile radius and call it "campus."  As if that wasn't enough, God handed down to St. Patrick the gift of alcohol and decided that he should let all of us experiment with it while we were on this "campus."  That's 20,000 people all getting drunk in the same general area every night of the week.  Did I forget to mention the raging hormones of 20 year olds?  Extra bonus when George Washington Carver went ahead and invented birth control, but that's another story…

Yes, if you can't take advantage of a drunk freshman at least once in awhile your dick might as well be put in the witness protection program when you get out of college, because nobody's gonna be seeing that thing for a long time. 

Aside from the minor disadvantages of being around the opposite sex (period blood) college is almost as awesome as a chick with beer flavored nipples.  Almost.

If you show up to work drunk, you're an alcoholic.  If you show up to class drunk, it's Tuesday.  No one questions why or how much you drink while you're in college.  Except your parents.  But they're probably going to get a divorce anyway so you shouldn't worry about them.

 If you don't at least leave college with one story about the time you had an orgy with 3 midgets and a circus clown you should feel cheated out of a typical college experience.  You really think your parents were virgins when they first met?  Face it…at one time your mom was a whore.  Why does no one know about this?  Because that time was college.  Go ahead and look up some of her old sorority sisters.  They'll tell you some stories.  Then go throw up because you just heard sex stories about your mom.  You're fucking sick.  Go kill yourself.

But I digress.

We're at a time in our lives where the liquor companies actually put their booze in plastic bottles because they know we will get drunk and try and break it over someone's (minorities) heads.  Puking up a lung on a Wednesday is perfectly normal in college.  Not so much in the real world. 

Face it.  Eventually you're going to get married, have kids, go to work every day, play golf on Sundays, and settle for having an affair with your average looking secretary with big hooters because you got bored.  Life out of college sucks.  Speaking of which…

Is there a better place on Earth than the dorms?  I think not.  You know how I know God exists?  2 reasons:

¢1)      Jessica Alba

¢2)      College dormitories

Think about it.   About a thousand teenage girls living and showering and touching themselves all in the same building.  Heaven on Earth?  Absolutely.  When in the real world are you going to be able to come home drunk and bored at 3 am and think, "Hey, I guess I'll just walk about 4 blocks over to that building with the thousand or so drunk teenage girls and hang out for awhile."  Never.  This is why I never want to leave college.


Because your employer won't care what your GPA was.

Because accidentally peeing on the girl you sleep with won't be as funny when you're 30.

Because life's too short to worry about liver failure.

Because I'm writing this at 4 in the morning, a few hours before I have an accounting test.

Because watching your roommate have sex will be considered weird once you graduate.

Because feelings should be felt, not talked about.

Because tequila really does make your clothes fall off.

Because you can get drunk on a Tuesday morning without being considered an alcoholic.

Because you'll have some good stories to tell while having drinks after work when you're 35.

Because you'll have some good stories you won't want to tell while you're having drinks after work when you're 35.

Because your parents are paying for it.

Because Girls Gone Wild doesn't go out looking for drunk women in their 30's.

Because the more illegal it is, the more fun it is.

Because you have 2 more times getting caught peeing in public before you're considered a sex offender.

Because everybody smoked pot in college.

Because not wearing underwear under a skirt is cool.

Because you know someone who masturbated in the library.

Because you had a class with Miss October.

Because if you don't use it, you lose it.

Because Journey makes better music than Dave Matthews.

Because you never really have to pay for it if you put it on your credit card.

Because what happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.

Because you can always copy off the Asian kid.

Because politics are just something to keep the people who think they're smart busy.

Because starting a facebook group won't help save any kids in Africa from dying from hunger.

Because the people who brew cheap beer are counting on us.

Because it's game day.

Because coming to a dinner party with the wife and a bottle of vodka that comes in a plastic bottle isn't acceptable.

Because no matter what your parents tell you, they'll always pay off your student loans if you wait long enough.

Because she had a nice ass.

Because you were really wasted.

Because I can kick your ass.


Because you don't sit in your dorm room eating cheez-its and playing Mario kart with a thumb up your ass on Friday night waiting for the girl down the hall to come home drunk so she can cry on your shoulder about what a dick her boyfriend was to her tonight and you can go to bed knowing you're a "really nice guy" while trying to pretend that the screaming and moaning you're hearing down the hall isn't her tied up in leather and chains getting bent over backwards by her boyfriend's roommate and coming so many times that her Swedish foreign exchange student roommate decides to get in on the action (enter circus clown) and they end up fucking so hard and so long that your framed picture of John Belushi downing a bottle of Jack with a t-shirt that says "college" on falls on top of your ipod totally ruining all 200 Dave Matthews and OAR songs you have saved not to mention your 2 songs by John Mayer that you have just in case you think you're going to get down and dirty some night, but you never do.  You don't, do you?

Because mature people are boring.

Because sex will be a lot less fun when you're 60.

Because she really doesn't want to read that poem you wrote about her.

Because making fun of gay people never gets old.

Because group showers are a lot more fun than showering by yourself.

Because putting a keg in the backseat and drinking it on the way there seemed like a good idea at the time.

Because there's a cream the doctor can give you that clears that up in 5-7 days.

Because we want to see your boobs, not your friend's.

Because last call doesn't just mean for alcohol.

Because you really aren't that embarrassed walking home the next morning in the same clothes as last night.

Because calling 911 is for pussies.

Because the answer is probably "C" anyway.

Because her friend probably won't tell her about it….she won't…right?

Because you can eat your body weight in ramen without getting full.

Because wearing the same clothes to class every single day of the semester is perfectly acceptable.

Because wearing a shirt with buttons on it to class is never acceptable.  Neither is putting gel in your hair before class.  Tool.

Because you found out the hard way that girls actually do poop.

Because Stone Cold said so.

Because "you're my facebook friend aren't you" is never a good way to start a conversation.

Because she told you she was 18.

Because the rec is always packed at the beginning of the year.

Because you really do need rubber flip flops for the shower.

Because by December some people should have kept going to the rec.

Because bitches aint shit.

Because the drugs now aren't shit compared to what they used to be like in the 70's.

Because you couldn't say the alphabet backwards even if you were sober.

Because 73% of the sexual positions in the Kama Sutra book were made up by drunk freshman as a result of lack of space in fraternity bunk beds.

Because shit happens.

Because the party never stops.

Because college does.

I never want to leave.