Oh hai dear readers. I want to be nice and give you all the hot, juicy gossip. But first, I must show you these pics of Sharon Stone's vagina, cuz grandma's got some serious ish going on down there. [WWTDD]

I'll wait why you puke. Okay! Now back to the hotness.

Like….Jessica Simpson giving herself a breast exam in a bikini while on vacation in Mexico. If only Tony Romo hadn't dumped her, he could be rubbing that fine mess of a boob right now. [Egotastic]

You'd think it'd be really sexy to look at pics of the chick who won The Bachelor walking on the beach in a bikini. However that stingray she's holding really knocks my girl boner down a few notches. [HollywoodTuna]

Derek Jeter is banging that hot chick from Friday Night Lights, Minka Kelly. I hope she calls him Big Papi while he's banging her and chants 2004! 2004! when he cums. (There's nothing sexier than a Red Sox fan. NOTHING!) [CelebSlam]

Cameron Diaz has gone bald (it's fake) for a new movie role, and needless to say it's not a good look for her, unless of course, you are attracted to bowling balls with really great smiles. [CelebSlam]

Did you know that the chick who plays Charlotte on Sex and the City is a recovering alkie? Me neither! Sober and hot? She's practically impossible to fuck. [IDLYITW]

Jessica Alba got married at city hall this week with only her husband present. Nice work, former production assistant turned Mr. Jessica Alba. [IDLYITW]

R. Kelly is trying to kick child pornography charges to the curb by alleging that he's not the dude seen fucking a 13 year old in some video because he has a mole on his back that is supposedly nonexistent in the tape. Who cares – he likes to pee on chicks! Doesn't that automatically make him guilty? [WWTDD]

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz were married this weekend, and vowed to love each other in sickness, health and seriously douchey haircuts. [DListed]

On that note, I am signing off. This is my last ever SYDCABWHYGL, and it has been an honor to write this gossip column full of typos for all you smart, sassy commenters. I'm pretty sure none of you got laid from reading this, which means I've accomplished my mission. Hopefully my uber-capable replacement will be a better help to your libidos.

Love and Jon Lester forever,