What the hell? Oh God no. Am I stuck? OH GOD NO! Jim? JIM?! Wake up, buddy! Wake up, you son of a bitch! What did you do?! Would you let me know why there is a fat girl smothering your right arm? Why are you and I being separated by Mama Cass?!

Jim, I know you're plastered right now. Smells like someone had one too many swigs of Boone's Farm to me. Too much of that poorly-spiked Kool-Aid, Jimmy? Ha! What a lightweight. Seriously now, blood flow has been cut off. I'm getting absolutely nothing here, and I'm not sure how much longer I can let this go on.

Did this seem like a good idea to you, Jimbo? In your state of drunkenness – which is probably the result of two or three shots of Pucker or something – did she seem like a good person to have sleep on your arm? Penis is wasted too, so don't try to play this off like you got any. All that happened here was you invited this "voluptuous" chick to sleep on me for the night. Thanks, buddy, reeeeal considerate. Now get her off. And no, I didn't mean like that. We both know that would be nearly impossible for you. Hey! Are you still wearing safety goggles when you sleep? Loser.

She's not budging, is she? Son of a bitch. So think, assface! How do we get me out of here and her out of this bed? Lefty, I know you're having a good laugh over there right now, but remember this: if I don't get free, you're going to have to masturbate Jim from now on. Trust me, you don't want to know the horrific places I've been.

Okay, guys, on three….one…two…THREE! SHOVE WITH ALL OF YOUR MIGHT! Crap! Didn't even move her an inch. Maybe you should have been going to the gym instead of spending all hours of the day studying and watching the MILF Hunter stalk its prey, eh buddy? Tell me, Jim…is it more awkward seeing your mother being banged by a pornographic Elmer Fudd or masturbating to it, knowing full well that they did it in on the kitchen table where you eat your Crispix every day?

I have an idea! Okay, Jim and Lefty, listen up: I need you two to work together with Penis to start…ya know…fapping down there. It'll totally creep her out and she'll take off like a girl who just woke up in bed with Jim Peterson. I mean, it worked that time in 5th grade when Jim was sleeping in his parents' room – after having a nightmare, the poor baby! – and Jim's mom caught him going at it. She slept on the couch that night and didn't talk to Jim for a week. Let's hope the same rules apply. And Jim – if we get out of this – you will put a latex glove on me at all times. Seriously, when you stop washing your hands after going to the bathroom on Burrito Night, you've hit a new low.