Insanely Hairy Guy
– There's at least a few at every beach. You can usually spot them pretty easy from afar, he'll be the guy you think is being eaten alive by ants until you start to get closer. It's bad enough it's 90 degrees out but this man's practically got on an entire sweater. Watching this guy try to put on suntan lotion is like watching someone try and shampoo a hallway carpet, so stay away if you can.


Ridiculously Jacked Black Guy
– No matter where you are, there's always at least one. This is the kind of guy that if he wanted to, could probably squeeze you, or compress if you will, into a very small cube, but only if you went out of your way to anger him. Fun game: chug a beer with your friends. Whoever finishes last has to try and bury RJBG in the sand while he's taking a nap. Watch hilarity ensue!

Creepy Ice Cream Guy – Not the guy who works for the official snack stand, the guy who literally walks up and down the beach dragging his K-Mart mini cooler on wheels asking if people want to buy "cheap klondike bar". Avoid eye contact at all costs…that is unless you're really, REALLY hungry, of course.

Underdressed Old Person – Wrong in every possible way that something can be wrong. The last thing you need is to head out for some sun and relaxation just to find some bony, leathery senior flaunting his silver cotton candy out the sides of his neon yellow banana hammock. The best way to avoid seeing this guy is to arrive a little later in the afternoon, he'll be on his way to the nearest early senior dinner special by then.

Very Obese Woman – Not 'slightly pudgy' or 'could stand to lose a little', this woman is so large she gives FUPA a whole new meaning altogether. Due to excessive heat at the beach however, you usually won't encounter this group all too often.


Fully Clothed People
– This one is an extremely rare sighting. When you do see one however, you'll always feel the exact same feeling of complete and utter confusion. 97 degrees, intense humidity, and along comes this guy wearing every shred of clothing he could possibly drape over his body. Either they're completely insane, have a rare skin condition, or have bigger balls than anyone else on the planet (and are insane).


Hot Girl
– If they didn't go to the beach, then we wouldn't either…after all, you can always just enjoy the sun in your backyard or on the roof,right? Depending on where you are in the country, there will be at least a handful to a lot of Hot Girls showing off their stuff and getting a tan. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Just remember, tucking under the waistband doesn't work nearly as well in a bathing suit. You know, just FYI.


Beach Bro
– They'll talk all yearlong about how soccer isn't a sport and totally for fags, but if there's a ball at the beach you can bet your ass they'll kick it around all damn day! Beach Bro's usually congregate and act tough around the 'Hot Girl' group but will always steer clear of RJBG. They may also be seen taking pictures with 'Underdressed Old Person'

Slow-Motion Lifeguards
– If you manage to catch a glimpse of this rare spectacle, you best have a camera ready because you're in for a treat. You won't see them nowadays as much as you used to, but there's a chance that if you swim way too far out and start splashing wildly, one might show up.
(note: Attempt to summon one through previously mentioned method at your own risk…if it pays off though, totally worth it)