Bryant Torpid

AIM IM with XXXXXXXX/4/08 4:34 PM
[Bryant and I discuss ˜Jesus Camp', Bryant sends me a link of the God Warrior from Trading Spouses]

a companion piece

i was privileged to watch this when it first aired thanks to that troll laura

me too

the funny thing is
they had her on letterman and some other shows after this aired
and she came off as pretty normal

maybe it was an act?

or the producers pushing her to insanity

either way
good tv

there ya go
these people terrify me
i love that they have ted haggard in this

theyre praying in tongues
my god


4:49 PM
do you remember the 'movies and american experience' final?

sort of why

my friend's taking it
i don't remember much
was it hard?

[I start watching Spiderman 3]

i got a B it cant be that hard

there's the attitude
i don't like spiderman

i know you dont
but i do

or at least tobey maguire's version

the first 2 movies were ok

his 'dark side' is parting his hair at the side and dancing with another girl

yeah it was lame
but the character, and the powers i always enjoyed

i feel like i could take him

the cartoon version and comic he was a bit cooler
little more of a wiseass

oh good
a wiseass hero

would you rather have teenage angst or a wiseass


oh god theyre attacking global warming

i mean he's constantly being stepped on
like clark kent
and oh god
don't get me started on kirsten dunce

shes horrible

a superhero can just spree-rape as much as he wants
why settle for this?


i don't want a superhero who loves his girlfriend
i want one who is so destroyed inside that he is incapable of meeting another person on an emotional level

you want batman
and you have him

is anarchy too much to ask?
oh good here comes thomas hayden church

wait you're watching spiderman 3

i love that, for no other reason than to make an asinine emotional pull, they decide the person who inspired spiderman to fight crime didn't even commit a crime
he killed an innocent man

yeah you're watching a lackluster movie

it's the last of the trilogy
the "frosting" so to speak
and i love that he becomes sand
makes perfect sense

well thats a comic book things not the movies fault

directors have final call

so youd rather another villain

well the previous ones were all relatively explainable
psychosis and special suit
but this man turns into a giant sandstorm
oh god
if he proposes to mj the same way uncle ben proposed to his aunt
i will have unbelievalbe loss of bowels
why not just fingerbang your aunt?

so angry

tell me
does he propose on a beach?

i dont remember i only saw it the one time and it was a forgetable outting

ohh goody with his aunts ring
this is just like 'arrested development' where michael cera is always trying to get with his cousin

i have to watch that show
has the entire series

not now cause i should be working/am still watching jesus camp

haha true
oh no he lost his aunt's ring!
i bet he gets angry now
oh what a douche bag

im really enjoying your running spiderman 3 commentary

i am too actually
helps me vent my frustration

we both win

shoulda expected something strange when you break into a particle physics laboratory
because electrons are so dangerous

your science jokes are over my head
benefits of a liberal arts education

oh i get it
because his DNA was exploded by quantum particles
he logically became a sand monster
instead of melting like he was in a microwave


the same thing happened to the spy who was given radioactive polonium

he became a sand monster
i remember

well a liquid waste of cancer
but same thing

close enough
maybe it was water he was exposed too
during the process
hence the liquid effect

oh my god you're right
just like the senator in x-men!
crafty russians

see the science is flawless

sam raimi must have gotten way too heavy into coke after spiderman 2
he just stopped giving a shit
more movement! more people! more running! more spinning camera angles!
if the first 18 rows aren't puking their faces out from these camera movements you're all fucking fired! i'll drag myself back in time to do it i swear to christ!

hahahahaha…..its obvious the mentality was, we may not do another one, lets cram as much shit as we can into this

ya why be honorable
i mean come on
tobey maguire doesn't have much of a career outside of this, seabisquit aside
and that, my friend, was a 1 trick pony


james franco is stuck doing mindless crap like jumper
kirsten dunce is so fugly she should do any porno thrown at her and be grateful

youre getting him mixed up, as i always do, with hayden christiasen



well still
name 1 other movie of his worth a damn

there is none

these people aren't 'blowing up' into their career

but i hold special hate for hayden and his killing star wars for me
they're grabbing desperately onto them

ya i feel you
how does this alien goop just somehow happen to know where spiderman is?

it obviously smells pussy

and since when does the fucking police commissioner go to the scene of a crane accident
ya i bet in new york the people on the ground would be so concerned about a girl hanging from a building
at least half would be shouting "let go ya koont!"

we new yorkers have seen everything
nothing impresses us

5:30 PM
thanks stan lee
why let the audience think for themselves
why not, despite the 7 hours of laying this out in painfully clear detail, make it more obvious and trite
thanks for that sam raimi
thanks for yelling at the audience about how stupid you think they are

just stop watching this its only gonna get more painful for you

oh christ
did spiderman some how transfer his powers to franco?
what kind of std is that

the clap?

peter parker is the worlds gayest alter ego
less sexually threatening than 1000 thomas hayden churches

this movie is horrifying

he has the same sex appeal of a young wayne newton

laugh we do now, but that young wayne newton fucked a lot of chicks

no way in hell
didn't you watch that 'true hollywood stories' about him?
about how he grew a pencil thin mustache to enhance his manly appeal

ooohhhh thats right

that's a direct FUCKING QUOTE

i remember from finaly

and he was serious!


honestly, i feel like mj would be much better with harry
and spidey with the blonde chick
harry could buy mj's success

id pick ron howards daughter over dunst any day

spidey would be appreciated by someone who's not an unappreciative spoiled bitch

in the comics that does happen
to some degree for awhile at least

it should be forever


this is like one giant soap opera
it's complete incest
the person who peter is competing for a job with just happens to be romantically involved with the girl who falls in love with spiderman and drives a wedge between peter/spiderman and mj who is pushed into the arms of harry
not to mention the new supervillain just so happened to have, as it turns out, killed old uncle ben
spiderman should be thanking him
he freed up aunty may for peter

im telling you its only gonna get more difficult to watch
cut your losses
watch the new dark knight trailer 14 more times
call it a movie viewing day

maybe i'll go see iron man
give me hope

and it will

that good huh?

downey is tony stark
nothing else

ya i knew that
and i love him

its worth just watching him for 2 hours

ah it's what's his face
raimi's go to guy
bruce campbell

hes the best part of the movie acctually

they're remaking army of darkness

oh goodie

oh and gwen appreciates peter's brain too
meanwhile mj is a frigid failure bitch
and ugly

but who wins

if they traded partners, everybody
god dunst is so ugly

she really is

and her teeth are way jagged

shes not attractive
plain and simple

5:54 PM
this is battlefield earth all over again
no one liked that movie
not even me
but i swear i've seen it 7 times

me too actually
thanks to hbo

spiderman seems none too concerned that a sand monster is still roaming free

why should he be

they have literally just shown peter parker to have killed an innocent man

i dont remember

when the captain tells him and sweet sweet aunt may that they blamed the wrong guy
i love that this frigid bitch has the nerve to say that spiderman needs help


so being infected by venom is like drinking a red bull
you yell and jump around

thats what i do when im infected
my teeth become fangs and i slobber alot also

i love that this math / physics / science GENIUS doesn't bother to question why his red and blue suit just happened to turn black and jump around
"no worries, i'll just put it on"
nobody watches this cgi jello crap animation and is impressed
like how i'm not impressed when pikachu jumps a mile in the air and shoots lightning

im laughing consistently at this

well i do appreciate the audience
but even if you go offline i'll just rant to myself
how dare they destroy something good for coke money
oh so his weakness is water

thats the way the world works

shouldn't he have noticed this when he drank a fucking glass of water?
and dissolved?

dont put too much stock in plot continuity we're the mtv generation we dont need that

oh i kno
the fact that this movie holds every box office record hollywood keeps sacred is a testament to that
uh oh there's a tiff between peter and aunt may
man he gets slapped around by the ugliest bitches


6:14 PM
oh my god this movie was made for the whitest audience on earth
let's dance to the twist and make omeletes!
it's a stupid idea!
who cares? white people love it!

please save this convo

for the next time you watch this movie?
will do

although ill probably pass on another viewing

6:19 PM
oh what a stupid bitch
she know's he's spiderman
NOW she tries to act?
just say "hey franco went psycho and put me up to this. you're a superhero. go"
she did this cuz she wanted to

just like every woman

ya know
instead of just emotionally breaking peter apart
franco could have still met up with parker like this
and then just pulled a godfather and just whipped out a gun and shot him in the eyes
he has the money to buy off potential witnessees
or just kill them

you could drive trucks through the plotholes
it wont get any easier

this is a movie made for suburban housewives
"ooo i'll get revenge by being two faced and spreading gossip!"
oh my god it's emo spiderman

thas how women role

6:30 PM
oh my god he popped his collar
yes i'm sure women notice him now
this is horrifying
who wrote this

a chimpanzee

i think ronald reagan did

same thing

one has alzheimers in addition to no understanding or concept of anything
chimpanzees have regret

especially the ones that became super smart after we shot them into space
or was that just a simpsons joke?br />oh well
science sounds good to me

it was also an integral part of the plot of tim burton's remake of planet of the apes
and the simpson's did a musical version
we have come full cirlce

we have

emo spiderman looks like crispin glover
more creepy

creppier than crispin, impossible

oh of course parker can play the piano

hes gifted

why should it matter that he never could before

when hes emo
obviously the alien symbiote has a jazz background
that goes without saying

6 years jazz , 5 years tap

like barney

most aliens have that training
so when faced with a proper way of getting the last laugh against mj
peter "the first pair of women's underwear i ever saw and touched were my aunt's" parker decides that, instead of bedding the 8 dozen women he seems to have attracted walking around like a 4th grader in his new power rangers t-shirt, or the 800 million dozen that would sleep with him knowing he is spider man
he instead opts to do a nice, well choreagraphed dance to a jazz piece and simply leave
"take THAT meanie!"
i feel like at least superman pissed would have broken a few people in half
oh man he's got aunt may alone in his place

i just lol'ed

i think aunt may's dentures just slipped out a bit
i want you to save this conversation as well
and next time you hear about someone watching this movie
send them this to help them through it

you got it

6:49 PM
this script must have been written at least in part by a 6 year old
"spiderman come and get us"
oh and i'm glad they spelled that out
a press conference would have been awkward
now the butler confesses he KNEW THE WHOLE TIME
thanks asshole
and i'm glad he's an expert in flying glider wounds
and can tell the difference between a flying glider accident
and a fucking sharp edge
and so timely in his advice!
this is like if alfred helped bruce from under that burning pole 6 years and 2 sequels later
oh and if i were spider man i would just stop wearing pants and let my bowels out as much as i could on the people below
eat as much chinese food and coffee as possible
they are so fickle
the simpsons were funny about this
they're pretending people are mindless cartoons
oh good venom's about to cry
yeah i remember how he kept crying and wetting himself in all those comic book versions
if i were the president i would just nuke this city
no one needs all these bad guys and their mindless drama
tho i suppose in this world the radiation would make a billion more people unexplainably super powerful and cancer free

you win
i havent laughed this hard in a long time

it's a group effort

you and spidey and mj
and sam raimi
the chimp ronald reagan writers

and the coke of a thousand movie producers

god bless cocaine

we would have less to talk about without it

so true
or something would rise to replce it
my bet: opium

i was trying to refer to something opium addicts do often
but i think it's just sleep
not the most productive bunch

poor guys

they seem content tho
and who needs material distraction?

not the communists

no sir

ima go get some food brb

ah i just watched the new batman trailer again
ah i feel baptized
now back to spidey 3
a true soldier must march on
i'm glad the action stopped just long enough to let that litle girl banter with jonah
boy he got his!
oh yeah there was a giant sand ogre
what pretty colors!
it looks kinda like a melted version of the marshmallow man
held too long in the fire
it's fucking sand
why would it just fall apart like that?
not like sand has a 'head'
"i like being bad. it makes me happy"
that… that'll do. i can't believe that wasn't the movie's tagline
but i suppose it was already copyrighted for "blank check 2"
just like the aliens in 'mars attacks'
venom's only weakness is loud, unpleasant noise
apparently you just have to ride around on a squeaky train to thwart any form of alien threat
that's why you didn't start seeing abductions until trains became unpopular

7:18 PM
i love that these grenades take on only as much explosive power as they need for a current situation
blow up right next to franco's head = just enough to scar slightly, and no eye or hearing damage
fighting a giant sand marshmallow man = respectable bunker buster ability but limited shrapnel and NO fire
facing off against alien goop = incinerating ball of fire that will, with all proper respects, stay inside of circle formed by hollow tubes

7:24 PM
ya it's weird he's attracted to his senile old aunt, but he's refrained from acting on it so far
oh and the whole stupid crowd just forgot about the sand monster
they're not even watching anymore
someone broke into a nearby bar and pulled out the kegs
new yorkers are so bored with everything but they love people running around like idiots
oh he did not just blow away in the wind
is that a conclusion?
does that mean he's alive or dead?
raimi was so fed up with this he just grabbed some usc film student's retarded failed senior thesis and adapted it for the lowest cost possible as an end to his movie
oh fuck you franco
just fucking making out
"it doesn't matter. your'e my friend"
"best friend"
i think he licked his lips when he said that
goddamn it he has weird sexual desires
i hope franco left spidy some of his money
he could just leave it all to his dog or something
a final 'fuck you we're not really best friends i was bored you fag' that i wouldn't put past him
why is the police commissioner and the howard chick at the funeral
they didn't even know him
support for peter?
people don't even like peter
they barely like the version of him that saves them every day
and seeing as to how no one but spidey knew venom was 70s show guy
are they all just wondering why he disappeared?
and btw who was that black alien version of spider man?
oh look new billboards! let's go stare!
i can't even imagine how bad kirsten dunst's voice is that they chose to dub it over with this garble
sounds like a nasily, slightly more mannish wayne newton
oh for christ sake
end with the voiceover
then cut to the pathetic attempt at an adult relationship that peter parker is trying to have
we all know he would be 50 time happier playing with unicorns in his aunty may's basement humming to himself like a more disturbing version of rain man

as this journey draws to a close

oh my god and they leave with him not smiling
trying to pull a 'graduate' with this bloody heap of vomit
no doubt NOT for artistic effect
but to leave it open for sequels instead of remakes
so sam raimi's 'masterpiece' won't be so soon discarded from our memory
nice try sammy! shoulda thought about plot and character development before you used your boot to crush 50 lbs of shit into the audiences' mouths!