Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Sam Raimi Offers Jon Favreau Some Advice
July 14, 2008
, or whatever the hell that movie was called. I have heard very good things from people in the biz, and I caught a showing myself when I messed up on Fandango and accidentally bought tickets to your movie instead of
. As a fellow director of a comic book franchise Spider-Man, maybe you've heard of it? I thought I would offer you a little advice. You need to really focus on the tried-and-true methods of making a wildly successful comic book movie that everyone loves if you want to make the next one even better! Honestly, I don't think many people liked this one, but that doesn't mean you can't make the sequel as universally-loved as
Add Bruce Campbell to every single scene.
I added him to a couple of mine, and everyone seemed to love him. I'm pretty sure that if I snuck him into every scene, Spider-Man 3 would have made even more than it already made. (note: it made about $150 mil on its first weekend)
You didn't have enough wacky music/dance montages.
Maybe Tommy (that's Steel Man, right?) gets really depressed and drunk and then he paints his robo-suit all black. That means he's evil now, but just to make sure the audience "gets it," have him start cutting his wrists, putting on eye-liner, shopping at Hot Topic, and listening to Death Cab for Cutie. Kids love that emo stuff.
Not enough bad guys!
You really only had one big bad guy in your movie. That makes your hero look like a wimp. Have him fight (at minimum) three different bad guys, all at once. All of the best superhero movies do this (see: Batman & Robin,
3, Sky High).
to be longer!
Seriously, I thought things were just getting started when the credits started to roll. Here's a pro tip: every big superhero-type movie needs to be (at minimum) 2 and a half hours long. Spider-Man 3 was just so jam-packed with story, I almost made it 4 hours long, but the execs at Sony made me cut down the hour-long dance scene where Spider-Man pummels Mary Jane into a bloody pulp.
Tommy Stork was
too cool and charismatic.
Audiences hate seeing people like that, because it reminds them how boring and uninteresting they themselves are. Try casting Tobey Maguire next time. He'll make the audience feel right at home.
Just a few tips from a seasoned vet! Also, say hi to your brother Brett for me. Is he going back to the Packers next year or what?
Director of Spider-Man 3
(which had the highest grossing opening weekend of all-time. Way higher than Metal Man or whatever. Which means it's better.)
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.