Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Slacking off at Work: Worst Case Scenario Guide
July 22, 2008
There was a 9am meeting. You are an hour late, and forgot your tie.
Remove one sock. Hope that it is black or some other dark color, and not white. Using a paperclip, make incisions along the legnth of the sock, and cut it into appropriate sections. Break the paper clip by working it back and forth, and use the sections to attach the pieces of the sock-tie.
Once inside your office building, find a fire alarm. Make sure the guard isn't looking, and pull it. Barrel roll out of the way of the sprinklers into a stairwell. Hide in the basement until your co-workers begin to re-enter the building.
Your boss is approaching your desk. He has already spotted you with your headphones in, and you're listening to Cream. Only Firefox is open on your desktop, and all of your 5 tabs are internet games.
With two stress balls and your headphone cord, fashion a bola. Behind the wall of your cubicle, take aim and throw the bola towards your colleague in the cubicle across the way, with serious, but not deadly, force. Once your co-worker begins making strangulation sounds, stand up and yell, "Michael, are you ok?!" As your boss reaches the intersection, free your coworker. Receive accolades, and then recommend that the three of you go to lunch.
You've been playing Snake for an hour. You've gotten really far, but your snake has gotten all wound up so its head is surrounded by layers of its body, and the food pellet is on the outer border.
Go this way.
You are attempting to leave early undetected, carrying your briefcase and coat. A co-worker with a reputation for snitching blindsides you, asking about your group project and whether you have finished your portion. He then looks you up and down and asks, "you're not leaving, are you?"
Tell him, no, of course you aren't leaving, you were just trying to find a more solitary place to concentrate. When he looks at you dubiously, put your arm around him and start talking about how bad you are at that obscure favorite sport of his, and ask for pointers. Continue the conversation until you are back at his cubicle. Make sure no one is looking, and then give him the sleeper hold. Settle him in his chair and casually walk back to your own cubicle.
Your boss has just sent you an email asking you to stay late and work on a report.
Open a Word doc and fill a page with symbols and gibberish. Save it. Attach it to your reply with the subject "All finished!" This will buy you all the time you need. Turn off your computer and quietly drop to your hands and knees. Crawl through the maze of cubicles to the nearest bathroom. Enter and locate the nearest air vent. Wrench a toilet seat away from a toilet, and use it to pound through the vent. Hoist yourself into the opening, and crawl towards any light that you see; use the backlight on your cell phone if it is dark. Once you find an opening to the outside, kick through, and tuck and roll to the ground. Drive home, and enjoy your weekend.
Special thanks to
, who sneezed on my keyboard as I wrote this.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.