A conversation between different parts of my body, as I'm sitting at a bar:

Pants Brigade: Limp and ready for action, sir!

Captain Noggin: Private Eye! I need a status check now.

Private Eye: We got a bogey moving in at 2 miles per hour. She appears to be drunk.

Captain Noggin: Stats?

Private Eye: Weight approximately 200. Wears a tube top.

Captain Noggin: Oh sweet Jesus.

Pants Brigade: What are our orders?

Captain Noggin: Stand down men! I repeat: stand down!

Major Mouth: Ingesting beer… beer ingested.

Captain Noggin: Private Eye, what's the bogey status?

Private Eye: She's at 5 feet and closing and… I'm getting a new status… bogey weighs approximately 160.

Captain Noggin: But that's impossible!

Private Eye: Things are looking blurry, sir.

Pants Brigade: We can't stand down any longer!

Captain Noggin: It must be the alcohol. Everyone, your orders are to stop the alcohol.

Lieutenant Liver: Thank you.

General Tongue: Forget it. Beer is too delicious.

Major Mouth: Ingesting beer… beer ingested.

Private Eye: 2 feet and closing. New status… bogey weighs approximately 120, and looks exactly like that girl from Scrubs.

Pants Brigade: We're going in.

Captain Noggin: Do not mutiny! Pants Brigade you will stand down! I am your commanding officer!!

Pants Brigade: Forget it, Captain. It's our show now.

Major Mouth: Ingesting beer… beer ingested.

Captain Noggin: I'm triggering blackout conditions, effective immediately!

Everything goes black and quiet.


Captain Noggin: I hate this part of Tuesdays.