I did it. I finally did it. I graduated summa cum laude from one of the most sought after collegiate institutions in the country. I've finished at the top of my class and have rightfully earned my place among the finanicial titans at Morgan Stanley starting August 1st. I did it. I really really did it!

While everyone was dilly-dallying, drinking their 40 ounces of malt liquor and playing whatever RPG game these kids play these days, I was busting my butt studying in the library until the wee hours of the morning. I didn't spend countless nights intoxicating my mind and body like so many of my inferior peers. No sir. I was the President of the Young Republicans Society and Treasurer of my class every semester for 4 years, not to mention the manager of the Men's Swim Team for two consecutive seasons. Few can boast such accomplishments in a mere 4 years.

I didn't waste my time going to the gym working out insignificant muscles. I didn't burn hours socializing on nights and weekends nor did I waste time by seeking a significant other to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with. So what if I didn't "find love" or "make lifelong friends" and "have the time of my life".

So here I sit at the crossroads of my life with the future at my fingertips. I've worked hard to get where I am today so the Young Republicans Society, in their infinite wisdom, was generous enough to commemorate me with this finely aged bottle of Virginia Lightning Corn Whiskey, which I will now toast to myself in a celebratory manner within the confines of my dorm room.

To success!