Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Seven Cigarette Smokers
July 29, 2008
Alright man, we get it, you're a smoking fiend, but do you really need to smoke so much that you have to light your new cigarette with the one you're currently smoking? Maybe you should eat some food or something. You really don't look well. When was the last time you had a bran muffin? How about some yogurt? What you're doing is just the epitome of addiction and you're giving all those casual smokers a bad name.
In the world of cigarettes you're either classified as a smoker or a non-smoker; there is no gray area. You can't be on the fence and just have a cigarette from time to time, so either GO
! Next time some schlub wants "a drag of your bogue" when he has a couple beers in him, don't hesitate to tell him to go f*ck himself. The least he could do is offer the standard dollar.
The bum is unique in his resilience towards filth and disease, especially that which originates from a partially smoked cigarette lying in the gutter outside a bar on a Friday night. His "I don't give a shit" attitude is something we could all learn from.
You really don't have to impress anyone with your shenanigans because no one cares if you smoke or not. All you're really doing is wasting someone's money, and with the price of cigarettes these days you're not really helping anyone. Peer pressure may have been "in" during high school, but no one cares if you aren't a smoker now, so stop letting it burn to the filter without inhaling, those lungs aren't gonna tar up themselves!
You truly are a crafty little cat, aren't you? When I saw that drunk knock that cigarette out of that complete stranger's hand, breaking it in half as it rolled onto the sidewalk into a muddy puddle my first thought was that it was beyond salvageable. But then you appeared, out of the mist from a dark alleyway, picked up the two pieces of broken, muddy cigarette and made them one once more with a bit of rolling paper and saliva. We tip our hat to you MacGyver, saver of cigarettes. Smoke on.
You're such an ass. Can you even see yourself? Where do you even buy that Cruella Deville thing and how much did you pay for it? Are your lips too good to touch the filter? Because you are still smoking a cigarette. You do know that, right? Why do you exist? Please die.
Watching you stumble out of the bar after last call and fall onto the sidewalk is pretty funny. Watching your friends struggle to help you up because you're laughing so hard is funny. Watching you berate your friend until he unwillingly gives you a cigarette is funny. Watching you light it, only to realize after a minute that you've just smoked the entire filter is fucking hilarious.
Okay, I'm pretty sure that's not a cigarette.
Special thanks to our dearly departed illustrator
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Don't ask me again.