Founder: Ah, 'tis truly a wondrous sight to see so many youthful academics traversing the halls of this venerable institution! You there, young lad! Which of the arts and sciences are you off to study? Philosophy? Biology? Phrenology?


Trent: What? Ah, no man, I'm actually going back to bed.

Founder: Bed? But it's naught but half past nine! Canst thou be done with the day's learning already?

Trent: Well, technically no. I've still got two classes left, but the prof doesn't take attendance, so it doesn't really matter if I show up or not.

Founder: Does not matter? But what about fulfilling your thirst for knowledge? Why else wouldst thou even be here?

Trent: The chicks, bro. And the booze. That's actually why I'm going back to bed – I am mad hungover right now.

Founder: Booze? Do you mean to tell me students are now permitted to imbibe in spirituous beverages on the campus? Does that not interfere with your education?

Trent: Hell yes we drink here! And we drink way more than those pussies over at State! Oh, man, last weekend my frat-

Founder: Ah, so you're a man of letters! Well, at least those esteemed institutions survived alcohol's vicious onslaught. Tell me, which society are you a part of?

Trent: Alpha Delta Phi.

Founder: Splendid! Absolutely splendid! You know, I was instrumental in bringing that organization here, as I knew how much it would aid our developing literature program. I trust it still emphasizes the literary pursuits?

Trent: Hmm…well, last week, we told one of our pledges he had two hours to memorize Moby Dick, but he didn't do it, so we made him eat cat food until he puked. It was really funny.

Founder: Puke? Cat food? But…but what about weekly book discussions? Study halls? Independent research?

Trent: Yeah, we don't really do those things anymore.

Founder: Well then what do you do?

Trent: Drink, smoke, fuck with pledges, think of party themes where girls don't have to wear a lot of clothes…

Founder: Girls! Do you mean to tell me that members of the fairer sex are now permitted to attend my university? Despite their obvious intellectual inferiority? This place is nothing like is should be!

Trent: Whoa, dude, whoa, that is not cool, plus you are not getting laid talking like that. You've gotta chill out man. Here, take a hit of this.

Founder: Why, this smells of the genus cannabis!

Trent: Just trust me, man, it'll help.

Ten minutes later


Founder: I say, this band Phish is really getting inside my head. It's almost as if they were thinking of me specifically when they arranged this composition. And what is it you call these foodstuffs again?

Trent: The brown ones are Ding Dongs, the yellow ones are Twinkies.

Founder: Mmm, they truly are delectable treats. You know, perhaps I was too harsh earlier in the progress of this institution. I suppose it is possible for academia to coexist alongside such temptations as alcohol and women. Now, what did you say your major was again?

Trent: Communications.

Founder: Dear Lord…