Ordinarily, this song brings me back to the time my 10th grade girlfriend Jessica gave me a hand job through my pants while we were slow dancing during our high school homecoming (Yeah, I reminisce about sexual experiences I had at the age of 15; so what? Don't judge me).
Today however, as I'm sitting here listening to Bono repeat "And you give yourself away " over and over, I find myself filled with a different emotion anger.
Why anger? Because no one in the world hates U2, and I think it's totally unfair that anyone that famous should be allowed to go through life without having at least one person hate them. And that person might as well be me.
Now, I can already hear some people reading that last line and saying "Fuck that. I totally hate U2." Quit lying, fuck face. No one hates U2. Also, I hope you realize that lying makes Jesus cry. And lying about hating U2 makes Jesus cry even harder. Why? Because Jesus loves U2. So suck it.
As I sit in my car, blindly hating U2, I decide that today is the day that I will force U2 to eat a big fat rage-sandwich, with a side order of anger fries.
The first thing I need to do is come up with supporting reasons for my hatred. This could be somewhat challenging, as I don't have any "real" reason to hate the band. But I've committed to hating U2, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let something as stupid as "logic" to stand in my way. It's time to get creative:
Fake reasons why I hate U2
1) I gave Bono a blow job and he didn't tell me when he was going to finish.
On the universal list of things that women find uncool, this is near the top. This should sufficiently piss off women, while at the same time raising questions about Bono's sexuality. Sweetness.
2) The Edge thought that Rocky 5 was the best Rocky movie of the series.
Fact: Rocky 4 was the best movie ever made, with the possible exception of The Karate Kid.
Fact: Rocky 5 was the shittiest movie ever made, with the possible exception of The Next Karate Kid.
Fact: Rocky Balboa (aka Rocky 6) was actually pretty good, and way better than Rocky 5 (What? At least he fought in a ring in Rocky 6 instead of an alley. Also, the villain's name in Rocky 5 was Tommy Gunn. Lamest. Name. Ever).
Conclusion: No person who has ever seen Rocky 5 would ever be able to forgive another human being for thinking that it was the best film in the series, regardless of whether or not they are a member of the world's biggest band.
3) U2's influence is the reason that Coldplay is so popular.
This one really does piss me off. I can completely understand why people like U2, but have no f'ing clue why people like Coldplay. Every time I hear someone say something positive about Coldplay I want to scream "Hey, guess what? Every time someone buys a Coldplay CD, a kitty dies." But I digress.
Once I get to work I decide to start spreading these rumors to my co-workers in hopes that they too will start hating U2. Unfortunately, I work at Taco Bell and none of my co-workers speak English. Plus they are all high. The combination of these two factors makes it nearly impossible for me to communicate with them, let alone spread my message of hate. My plan has failed.
That night I'm back in my parent's basement (aka The Pussy Palace) where I consider posting these facts on U2's Wikipedia page, but ultimately lose motivation to continue my campaign due to the fact that Teen Wolf is on TBS.
It looks like U2 will continue on with their hate-less existence, free to create the soundtrack for underage kids to get rough hand jobs at high school dances for years to come.
Bravo, U2. Bra-vo.