Michael: Pretty awful. I tried to wear all of my medals at once yesterday, and their combined weight broke my neck. And their glorious bright glimmer blinded me. My career is over.
What tragic irony. That's probably why no one ever won this many before.
Michael: I can only assume.
Is that why your jaw moves so awkwardly when you talk?
Michael: What're you talking about?
So take us through a day in the life of the greatest Olympics athlete of all time!
Michael: Usain Bolt? I dunno. From what I can tell, he throws lightning bolts.
No, Michael. You.
Michael: Oh, right. Well, every morning I drink a glass of eggs.
What're the best kind of eggs?
Michael: Mostly unfertilized eggs from one of the chicks on the Women's Swim Team. Dana Torres has some great stuff in them ovaries. After that, I get in my kiddie-size inflatable pool and swim laps for an hour or so, just to get warmed up.
You don't have an inground pool?
Michael: Yes, but it's filled with tar. I swim in that for three hours a day. It's like when you use a donut on your bat to make swinging easier in baseball. I usually can't move for a few days after that. I've nearly drowned in that thing four times. And the smell is unbearable.
Fantastic. What were you thinking when you were going for that record-breaking 8th gold medal?
Michael: I was wondering if they would let me doggie-paddle the thing. Just to see if I was really as good as everyone was saying. I decided against it, though. Looking back, I probably should have.
Do you have any traditions or rituals before you swim?
Michael: Well, I usually listen to the latest Lost podcast. I used to listen to Spice Girls, but I kept getting boners right before I was about to swim. Those swimsuits are skin-tight and it gets embarassing. And I always take a piss in the pool the second I hit the water. Gives me a little extra boost.
What're your plans now that the Olympics are over?
Michael: Practice non-stop in obscurity for four years until the next Olympics. Maybe finally see The Dark Knight. Swim in a pool of gold medals, sorta like Scrooge McDuck. It would make way more sense with me than it did with him. I win gold medals and I'm a swimmer. He was just an old, greedy, embittered cartoon duck.
How does it feel to be the top athlete in the world?
Michael: Pretty great. I could hear every single individual clap after I won that last medal, due to my giant ears. I love the Olympics. The idea of forcing athletes from all over the world to go through horrific, exhausting training for four years to perfect themselves, just to have a few moments to actually compete, thus placing extraordinary pressure on them, and then only rewarding a few and shunning the others as failures with nothing to show for their sacrifice and years of emotionally-draining practice it's amazing. Go USA!