New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is often derided by the media for coming through when situations are no longer important, i.e. hitting a homerun when his team is up or down by eight runs.
Arod Honey, kids, dinner is ready! I made chop suey!
Wife I'm in our room!
Arod Dinner's ready. Where are the kids? Wait, why are you in bed?
Wife It's 11 o'clock. The kids are asleep and I'm reading before I also go to bed.
Arod What about dinner?
Wife You said you were going to cook, but then you just stared meekly at the stove in silence for six hours. We ordered Dominoes.
Arod Oh, wow.
Arod- I'm very sorry Madonna.
Wife What'd you call me?
Arod (answering the phone) Hello?
IRS Agent Hello, Mr. Rodriguez, how are you doing tonight?
Arod Good. Who is this?
IRS Agent I'm with the IRS. I'd like to begin preliminary procedures regarding an audit on your taxes this year.
Arod Whoa, whoa, hold on, I know for a fact that I filed them perfectly. I bought one of those 'idiot's-guide-to' books and followed all the rules! I sent my taxes in just last week!
IRS Agent You do know it's July, right?
Arod Oh so it is.
IRS Agent Alright, so I'm going to begin with your write-offs for charitable donations. It says here that you gave "two million dollars for the cause of cleaning up the Exxon Valdez spill"???
Arod That's right; the Alaskan government was more than happy to receive my donation. I can't let another day go by in which those lovable seals are drowning in oil.
IRS Agent - Yikes, you're serious, aren't you?
Arod Honey! Quick, get in here! I finally got that erection! Honey! Hurry up! We can have sex now!
Proctologist Wow, uh, okay Mr. Rodriguez, if you could just be kind enough, you know, to bend back over the patient table, um, so I could retrieve my hand.
Arod Honey! Get in here! Quick! It's huge! Honey! Honey? Madonna?