Welcome back to The Thought Bubble, bubble thinkers. I sit down with Adam Dello Buono and new-to-the-column John Fischer to discuss what spandex-clad men we'd like to see wrestle.
North vs South, Rebels vs Stormtroopers, Religion vs Common Sense. There have been some epic throwdowns in human history, but probably none so epic as fights that haven't happened between people that don't actually exist. What are some of your super-powered dream matches?
John: Honestly, I have to say that I'd like to see Namor vs Aquaman.
Adam: The fish would be so confused who to listen to.
John: True. Plus, Namor is a total bastard. Either he gets the shit kicked out of him, or we get to see someone in all orange get the shit kicked out of him. It's a win-win.
Adam: Totally. Also, they have fucking tridents.
John: Dude, tridents? Screw tridents, they could hit each other with whales.
Sean: Does Namor actually wield a trident?
John: I'm sure if you gave him a trident he'd get the general idea.
Adam: Yeah, it's the whole aquatic royalty weapon thing.
Sean: Plus, Namor has proven to have actual effectiveness above ground, as evidenced by the whole flight, super strength, and increased durability thing.
Adam: He also looks like Spock.
Sean: And he also looks like Spock.
John: I have to say, if Spock threw a great white at me, I'd probably shit my pants.
Adam: It's just a matter of who can get all the fish to listen to him. It's exactly like 2 party politics.
Sean: Imagine if the fish had to vote on the winner. Do fish vote? Are there fish primaries?
John: I'm thinking you'd get fresh-water/salt-water splits.
Adam: Oh no. Nothing can stop the Juggernaut, but no one can move the Blob.
Sean: Can Juggernaut make a sandwich so big the Blob cannot eat it?
John: That's true, but as a physicist, I've been thinking about this my entire adult life. No, no he can't.
Sean: Yeah, probably not. He's not known for his delicatessery talents.
Adam: Wait, let's rethink that. The Juggernaut is really strong so he could make like a pretty big sandwich. He just slaps a lot of roast beef on there.
Sean: But the Blob is really fat. Like, really, really fat.
John: Yeah, and with those giant hands I think he'd have a hard time slicing the meat thinly.
Adam: Good point.
Sean: I don't think the Blob is very picky about how thin his meat is. You could put a cow between two loaves of bread and he'd love it.
John: True. Plus if it isn't thin, he might choke on it. There, fight over.
Sean: Juggernaut's greatest power- his inability to thinly slice meat.
Adam: Both a blessing and a curse. Outstanding at killing the Blob, but makes him unable to properly entertain house guests.
John: They should really make more comics focusing on this little-known Juggernaut ability.
Sean: This might not be a super-powered fight, but how about Batman versus Leonidas?
Adam: LEONIDAS VS BATMAN: WHO CAN TALK MORE RASPY?!
Sean: Insane tech, gadgets, and world-martial arts training versus balls the size of the moon.
John: Well, on the one hand, 300 made me want to work out and beat people up, while The Dark Knight made me want to work out and beat people up, so it's a tough call.
Sean: Dark Knight just made me want to beat up clowns and disfigured people. 300 made me want to beat up tall, dark, mostly-naked men.
Adam: Dark Knight made me want to dress up as clowns and scare girls away because they were not impressed by my joker impression.
John: I don't think they ran away because they weren't impressed.
Why so single?
Adam: Ok this is going to sound like a random battle, but Gambit vs Bullseye. Both have the trademark of throwing cards which, to be honest, I am sick of.
John: Well, the way I see it, Gambit is French, so he probably loses.
Adam: AHEM Cajun its like French but cool.
Sean: Well Bullseye can throw things well, but Gambit can throw things well and also make them blow up.
John: And Bullseye has a target on his forehead. Just an observation: If you don't have actual superpowers, you should probably not put a target on your forehead.
Sean: It's like he's daring people to shoot him in the forehead, which Gambit can very easily do. With a bomb-card.
Adam: It does seem odd.
Sean: To get on Gambit's level, Bullseye needs a shit load of grenades and bombdarts. Gambit just needs rocks.
Adam: I guess they would throw cards until the better hand comes out!
Sean: One last one- Obama vs McCain.
John: McCain now or McCain before/during Nam?
Adam: How about the years post nam, when he was still in shellshock.
Sean: That puts them on even ground. Obama could easily beat up a 70-year-old, but Navy McCain would rip him in half. So maybe 10 years post-Nam.
John: Ok, well, in that case I say whoever gets in the second punch. Obama hits first, McCain would probably go into a feral rage like Wolverine. McCain hits first, Obama would probably use the nuke option.
Sean: I'm sure McCain has the nuke option as well. And of course, Obama would get hit by his own nuke. They are throwing punches, after all.
John: Well, obviously, but I think he can still count that as a W.
Adam: Obama talks like, and also has a first name that sounds similar to The Rock Johnson.
Sean: Well if he's allowed to pull in a tag team, I think McCain should as well.
John: McCain sounds like McBain.
Adam: Also he has that babe as his VP.
John: True. I think if the VPs got involved McCain would have to win. Who wants to beat up a girl?
Sean: Joe Biden.
John: Also, John McCain.
Adam: Obama Bin Biden!