It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. This week I'm posting 10 awesome confessions because I've got so many good ones. Don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.
Ryan Lyvar, Southern Connecticut State University
Remember when some a hole filled your shampoo bottle up with Baby oil which cause you to slip in the shower, breaking your jaw and forcing you to wear the retarded face brace? The ironic part was that a hole did it 'cause you ate my god damn food and didn't replace it. We aren't all as rich as you, you piece of sh*t.
Ryan Jenkerson, Missouri State
Every time I would bring a girl to the room they recognized my roommate because he was either stalking them or their roommates, which would cause them to run away. This guy slept at night and I slept during the day and stayed up all night, I am very courteous about his hours I am a very quite and I mute the TV when playing video games. One day he gets upset and breaks my Playstation 2 saying it was making too much noise and he couldn't sleep. He refused to pay for it as well, so it turns out he was extremely allergic to peanuts, so to get him out of the room I bought an entire box of Reese's peanut butter cups and kept them in the room and when he would leave I would rub them on his bed sheets and pillow and on the door knob. The next few days he was having major outbreaks and had to use and Epi pen. He moved out the next week.
Joseph Said, George Mason
So I went to a concert a couple months ago with my roommate/little sister (she's 22), my ex-boyfriend whom I still get along with, a bunch of his friends, and the little brother (he's 16) of another one of his friends who wasn't there. Having met the friend's brother before, I knew his age, but when all the introductions were being madehe only really knew my ex out of everyone therei guess everyone just assumed he was also in his early-to-mid twenties (to the kid's credit he does look reasonably old for his age). About an hour into the concert the kid and my sister are making out. I laugh it off, knowing that my sister had gotten out of a long relationship pretty recently and figuring she should have a little fun, even if it was with a kid who couldn't legally drive yet. Fast-forward about 3 hours and we are at one of my ex's friends' apartments post-gaming, when my sister tells me she wants to get out of there, and she wants to bring the kid home too. Realizing she's not really drunk and rarely brings home the guys who try to pick her up, I figure who am I to intervene. So me, my sister, the 16 year old, and my ex head back to the apartment. Once there, the two couples say goodnight and head into the connecting bedrooms (with paper-thin walls). Nearly every word my sister screamed could be heard clearly. The next morning, a while after the kid and my ex left, I'm thumbing through Facebook. Noticing the kid has written on my ex's wall, I open the page to his profile, highlight his high school graduation year (2009) and leave the laptop on the coffee table between my sister and I. I then get up to walk to the bathroom, and when I'm about halfway there, I hear my sister, "Wait
What the fuck? Oh my god! Oh my god!" Holding back giggles, I turn around and say, "Oh relax, it's not that big of a deal." She then looks me dead in the eye and says with a completely straight face, "Lauren, I
I let him in the back door." I couldn't help but break down laughing right there in front of her. So, sorry little sister
for knowingly letting you commit statutory rape, and for telling all of College Humor about it.
Lauren Pearson, School Not Given
So, I got into these cheap apartments my third year on real short notice and was put with these three guys I never met before. One of them would put up little post it notes all over the place if he didn't like something like on the dirty dishes in the sink so that one of the other two of us would wash them, and he stuck them on the TV saying he would disconnect the cable box that we all paid for if one of us didn't vacuum EVERYDAY. Well one day I came home to find out that he took my X-Box 360 apart and spread all the pieces across the room so that I had to move all the furniture in order to find it all and put it back together. So after that every time he left his laundry down stairs in the washer overnight (he did this a lot) I would piss in the washer and let his clothes "soak" overnight. Then on the last day we lived together I moved out while he was at class I noticed that his clothes were still in the washer and decided it would be funny to put some lighter fluid in with his clothes and light them up. It was Great! no damage as done to the apartment, and the washer still works but all his T-shirts and socks were toasted.
D Kaine, C. Mich
Right after college I moved to New Orleans and ended up living with this girl, Samantha, well Samantha had a real bad case of home sickness that she needed something to remind her of her home, she grew up with cats so she went and adopted a kitten I was not against pets since I had a dog of my own, but I am against cats since I am allergic and truly despise all house cats. Well Samantha knew that I was allergic but she needed the attention so bad she went and got the fucking kitten despite me not wanting the damn thing. After she got her cat, she swore that she could actually train the cat to use the toilet and she actually did it surprisingly enough but here comes the confession part, after about six or seven long months of me taking allergy pill after allergy pill I have had enough, so one day when she was in the shower I took a piss on her Apple Notebook, yeah the one that looks just like a toilet bowl for a cat, well at least that is what I told her the cat must have thought given that it was white and it has a lid just like a toilet. So Samantha I am sorry that you lost your cat and your laptop all in the same day I am really sure you must got at least one of them back
Marco T, UH
My roommates were annoying music majors who thought they were hot shit but dressed and looked like moms. They always had horrible decorating skills and insisted on cluttering the house with statues of famous musicians. One night, I brought my girlfriend home (yes, I'm a lesbian) and I caught one of them listening in on our sex through my door. I got so pissed I smashed every single one of her musician heads to tiny little pieces and sprinkled the crumbs on top of her chicken alfredo she was making with a touch of laxatives as suggestion of my girlfriend. she got pretty sick and took the hint, never fulfilling her lesbian fantasies through my door again.
Your Mom, School Not Given
My asshole neighbor let his dog shit all over my front lawn, plus I didn't like all the hippy-ass, liberal douchebag bumper stickers on his truck. So every time we had people over, I encouraged all the guys to pee directly into the truck's front grille, right into the radiator. I can only imagine the pungent, disgusting urine smell that hit him in the face every time he tried to turn the A/C on.
Dave Domepiece, Appalachian State
My freshman year my RA was a total douche. He would patrol the 3rd floor halls after hours listening for girls in our rooms and making sure we didn't have any alcohol around while at the same time keeping his own fridge fully stocked with liquor and allowing his nasty ass acne scared girlfriend to practically live with him. She was okay, but was one of those fat chicks that always smells like ham. Anyway, my neighbor was walking his girlfriend out of room 3 minutes after curfew, and the RA busted both of them. Though the RA had never pissed me off, my buddy asked me for revenge. While we plotted to repay him, we found out a 2 weeks later that the RA had lost funding or something and was leaving after finals. So i got an idea. I went to Lowe's and bought a few feet of cheap chain and a couple of padlocks. The morning before his last 8 am final we chain locked the handle of his door to the storage room across the hall. From what i understand, he had to call Campus Safety, who had to call Maintenance to bring bolt cutters just to let him out. Needless to say, he missed his final. Saw him a month later, working the photo booth at Wal-Mart. Merry Chrismas Asshole!
D. Scott, Georgetown College
Me and my roommate last year were really good friends but one of his friends was a complete dick. He would always come over and eat my food, borrow my stuff without returning it, and just be an all around ass. Not to mention he would ruin it every time my roommate and I started talking to girls by saying something stupid or grabbing their boobs. One time he actually threw up on a girl I was talking to. Anyway, my roommate and I had a spare bedroom in our house so this guy would always bring girls there so he wouldn't have to deal with his roommate in the dorms. Since he had made it his life-goal to keep me from getting laid, I decided to get even. One night we were all at a party and it looked like he was going to get this girl to go home with him. Now was my time to strike. The next time he went to the bathroom I slipped a little laxative into his beer; I'd been waiting for just this opportunity. He came back and finished his beer and a little later all of us, including the girl, went back to our house. Now I just planned on slightly interrupting him or making things a little awkward but somehow he ended up shitting the bed while they were having sex. I know this because the girl ran out of the room and into the bathroom screaming and with a shit stained sheet wrapped around her (why she wrapped herself in shit I will never know). You can bet that was a sight I will never forget. But it doesn't end there, I make sure to bring it up anytime I see him talking to a girl. You'd be surprised at how fast the conversations end after that
Matt H., Oklahoma State