I hate Freshmen.

The term originates off the coast of Jamaica where a voodoo witch doctor constructed the first freshman out of clay and blood of foreign exchange students.

The word itself is a conjunction of two commonly used English words, Fresh and man. Freshman translates from Jamaican to the English equivalent, New Man. Like a zombie rising from the grave, a Freshman, or New Man is a blank slate that I personally believe has had any interesting or unique personality traits wiped away by the ancient voodoo witch doctor's curse. After the first freshman, the infectious curse spread quickly to 18 year olds and high school students across the country.

With their minds erased, any and all media input from TV to the internet easily fills the vacuous cavity in their skull with garbage and leaves them to be raving, unstoppable, god-forsaken, freshman. It's like AIDS for the brain. Some even say we have reason to believe that Samuel L. Jackson is in cahoots with the Witch Doctor, which also explains why he is in every movie ever made… To corrupt the minds of the freshmen.

I have taken the liberty of classifying these "Freshmen" into 6major categories some with their own subcategories listed below: The Poser, The New-Age Hippie and the Emo we will be discussing today.

The Poser: The poser is one who could strike from anywhere, posing as anything or anyone. Making it one of the most dangerous and shocking freshmen out there. I've heard that some can pose so well they can actually pose as shadows and strike from the darkness. Most often times the cursed freshman take the form of a faux longboard skateboarder, snowboarder, reggae artist, revolutionary, intellectual, gangster or worse.

How to Eliminate: The easiest way to discover if they are a freshman poser is to make careful observations. they will often break "character" as you will see them fall off their skateboards, totally suck at guitar, read at a 7th grade level, and have opinions on world matters that only go so deep as to say something like "genocide is bad." To combat these heinous threats to humanity we must reveal their charade.



Once revealed the poser freshman will rapidly disintegrate to a fine carbon/nitrogen dust and drift away in the wind. Avoid contact with the dust to ensure no risk of infection.


The New-Age Hippie: Certainly the most frequent occurrence of dangerous freshman, they are easily identified by riding bikes instead of driving, smoking various herbs, and criticizing what they call conformists. They always wear the right cuff of their pant leg rolled up and wear shirts saying "share the road." They are attracted to heavy exhaust so make sure to stay on foot especially if you're in an area with a known New-Age hippie infection. (also avoid bicycles from wal-mart)The new-age hippie has several sub varieties here is one:


The Emo: Emo freshmen may be the worst of the curse. The curse has somehow shrunken their pants and clothes restricting the blood flow to muscles and causing muscular atrophy making these horrid beasts appear ultra pathetic and weak. One way to identify them is by the easily identifiable patricidal hate in their eyes. Although it'd difficult to get a good look because the Emo freshmen tend to keep their hair over their entire face. A ploy designed to fool the non freshmans. But don't be tricked, their whining is like brain daggers wielded by tiny OJ simpsons, infiltrating your ears. They will attack with extreme prejudice and the cold, cold hate in their eyes proves the curse is very real and not a joke.



How to Eliminate: Keep a sturdy walking stick, crowbar or other linear object handy to throw into the bicycle wheels of the New-Age Hippie. Generally, because they don't want to mess up their dreadlocks or pony-tails they won't wear a helmet and be killed upon impact due to the lack of fat as padding from their vegan diets. As for Emos its much simpler. A good ridiculing statement will usually throw them into panic at which point they tend to eliminate themselves.

I have to move on for now. They are approaching this alley, I will try to get more information on the Freshmen known as The Dudes and the others next time. for now keep a close eye out for these clues, and remember.

STAY ALERT, STAY ALIVE.