Big week in Hollywood, guys. OJ's guilty, Stern's married, Gyllenhaal's stacked, and dogs are #1 at the box office. But before you head to the apocalypse shelter, let's do a quick rundown, shall we? (DListed, IDLYITW)

News broke this week that Hugh Hefner broke up with long time girlfriend Holly Madison. Poor Hef, right? Now he's stuck with only those other two girlfriends he had, plus two new girlfriends, 19 year old twin Playboy models Kristina and Karissa Shannon. He must be a broken man. A broken 82 year old man having sex with 19 year olds. (IDLYITW, Egotastic)

OJ Simpson was found guilty this week of armed robbery, armed kidnapping, armed burglary, assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy and not knowing when to quit. (Celebslam)

Halle Berry was named the 'Sexiest Woman Alive' by Esquire this week. 'Sexiest Woman Dead' went to Martha Washington. (Egotastic)

Girl fight! This week Madonna publicly slammed Sarah Palin at two of her concerts, telling her to 'get off my street' and imitating the 'sound of Sarah Palin's husband's snowmobile when it won't start'. In related news, Madonna doesn't know how insults work. (WWTDD)

This week, Kim Kardashian tried to dash any plastic surgery rumors by posting this picture of herself online. Because clearly it's better to be fodder for a million creepy internet pedophiles than let a few people believe you had Botox. (WWTDD)

Rumors flew this week that Jamie Lynn Spears may already be pregnant again (her son is only 3 months old). With this news, I can only come to the logical conclusion that once in the body, the Spears girls'eggs go after sperm like PacMan. (IDLYITW)

Last week you guys complained there weren't enough boobs in the column. Well hold on to your boners, boys. This week we were treated not only to a braless Lindsay Lohan, but some awesome chest butt from faux lesbian Katy Perry. Oh, and Salma Hayek went on a German show and showed a little cleavage too. (Hollywood Tuna, Egotastic)

This week at rapper Lil Wayne's 26th birthday party, Birdman presented him with a gift of $1,000,000. Ugh, cash is so tacky. It's just like, 'I didn't know what to get you, so here's some money.' You know? He should have made him something. Homemade gifts are always the best gifts. (Celebslam)

Great news, everybody. The porn industry has found their Sarah Palin look-a-like. Expect 'Nailin' Palin' to be on shelves within the month. Unfortunately, we'll have to wait a little longer for 'Widen Biden: The Ass Residential Debates'. (WWTDD)

Beverly Hills Chihuahua ruled the box office this week, holding steady at number one and bringing in over $33 million dollars. Which means we can all look forward to 'Dog Movie' sometime in the near future. (DListed)

W magazine this month features exclusive pictures of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding, taken by Brad himself. I guess, awesome? Have fun getting turned on by a baby, freaks. (Hollywood Tuna)

Johnny Depp is set. Not only will he be playing the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's 'Alice in Wonderland' remake, but he'll be reprising Captain Jack Sparrow for another Pirates movie. For the meager pittance of $56 million dollars. Economic fallout schmeconomic fallout. (DListed, Celebslam)

And now for this week's Still Got It awards. While Lauren Bacall's creepy snarl/smile (snile?) was at the top of my list, Bruce Willis' grey mountain man beard took top honors. Congrats, Bruce! Looks like someone needs to Dye Hard. (DListed)