Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Right Opinion: WWIII
January 16, 2007
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will occur from 2146 to 2190, and a sweater will win."
~Submitted by David Y., NY
Line the floor with bubble wrap – I'm about to drop some knowledge.
There is ample evidence that the current situation in Iraq will descend into all-out civil war, with the Sunnis drawing in Jordan and Saudi Arabia, the Shiites allied with Iran, and the Kurds backed by New Jersey. Under heavy Iraqi bombardment, New Jersey (which scientists already describe as "hanging on by a thread") will finally sink into the Atlantic Ocean.
When this happens – give me one good reason why it wouldn't be in 2146 – the force of the rest of the world shrugging apathetically at the same time will cause massive earthquakes. These will damage the earth's tectonic plates and cause the seven continents to merge into one Pangea-like landmass. The United States of America will immediately attempt to name this new continent "The United States of America."
Desperate to regain its privacy, Iceland will declare war on the Pacific Ocean and lose when all 84 of its soldiers drown. At this point, the only borders left on earth will be the bookstore chain Borders, which will continue to offer high quality books, movies and music at competitive prices despite the fact that the world will have descended into anarchy. Sweden will become the only country to remain neutral in World War
, as it will be off on a weekend skiing trip and won't have its cell phone on.
One cautious man – Giles Bibbins – will build himself a bomb shelter 100 feet underground and become the only man to survive the worldwide nuclear holocaust. When a new intelligent species has evolved and replaced humankind, their archaeologists will discover one of his wool sweaters fossilized in amber. The first god to be worshiped by this species will be called J. Crew.
And that's not just my opinion. That's the Right Opinion.
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