Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Columbus: The Planning Stages
October 13, 2008
From the Desk of Christopher Columbus
Meat tastes pretty bad here. Friends agree. All the good spices are to be had in the East Indies, but the land route? Just awful. If only there were some other way
Build a giant drill and bore through the center of the planet.
1x Giant Smelting Pit
1x Casting Mold (Giant Drill-sized)
400 tons of yet-undiscovered miracle ore (meteorites?)
1) Have slaves construct drill. Order them around, occasionally whipping them a bit to impress nearby ladies.
2) Drill through easy-going European country (Holland).
3) Emerge in East Indies spice market.
4) Become rich.
1) Two points (straight line)
2) May discover lush subterranean utopia populated by a friendly and peaceful race of potential new slaves.
1) Current slaves may escape into subterranean utopia.
2) May get dirty.
Drilling idea is unpopular with the nobles, especially the Dutch for some reason.
Build an orbital death ray device and hold the Orient hostage for all of their spice.
1x set of Orbital Death Ray Blueprints (
1x set of Orbital Death Ray Raw Materials (?
1) Lock slaves in the cellar until they can devise working plans for death ray. Offer freedom as reward.
2) When plans are delivered, claim that you said "biscuit" instead of "freedom." Offer biscuit. Accept laughter from good-natured slaves.
3) Have slaves build death ray, launch into orbit.
4) Submit demands to the Orient.
5) Demonstrate death ray's potential on unpopulated area (Holland).
6) Become rich.
1) Successful launch will be good for slave morale
2) Death ray will remain afterwards for use in miscellaneous personal matters.
1) Possible intervention from 15th Century Superman.
Final proposal is due on Isabella's desk by 9 A.M. tomorrow morning. Slaves-in-basement plan has failed to yield results. Even cutting off their food supply has failed to motivate them, as I have heard nothing from the lazy dogs in over a month.
Take what you can and flee. Go anywhere but Holland, as the Dutch have been unusually hostile of late.
1) Travel light! Take only what you and a small complement of two-hundred slaves can carry.
2) Boats! I shall need boats! Those ones over there! Perfect!
3) Flee past monster-infested waters to the very edge of the earth, where none shall dare follow.
4) Build a small, secret island out of slaves.
5) Become rich.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.