It seems like it's been forever since I wrote one of these puppies. Sometimes I get lazy, but a lot of people sent me messages threatening my anal virginity if I didn't write one this week, so here we are. During the episode that I didn't recap, Serena turned into a huge bitch and Jenny suddenly became The Greatest Fashion Designer in the World.

Blair extra <3's Audrey Hepburn, and every once in a while the show will open with a dream of hers in which she is a character Hepburn once played. Usually the character is elegant and distraught, like Blair, but tonight she's Eliza Doolittle. Teetering on the cusp of learning how to talk pretty, Blairiza is more desperate than Hepburn's Eliza, who seemed not to give much of a shit whether she ever conformed to Henry Higgins' idea of what a classy broad sounds like.

Blair cares, because in this case Henry Higgins = Yale (and basically the entire Puritan community), and she becomes extra distraught when Serena waltzes in wearing the white horseracing outfit and manages to pronounce "the rain in spain" without confusing her ais for ayes. They both still suck some pretty serious balls at speaking with British accents, but they suck balls in a way that the old British guy in Blair's dream seems to appreciate.

Blair wakes up in a cold sweat, wearing an evening dress for some reason, and informs Dorota that she "gives good interview." This is important because the dozen students who give the best interview will be invited to a special dinner at the home of the Dean of Admissions, who will presumably watch them all give each other really good interview over and over again, long into the night. Serena gives such good interview to the paparazzi that she has already been invited to this special dinner (which consists, one assumes, mostly of the Dean's ejaculate) via super special handwritten note. When she reminds Lily that she would rather go to Brown, Lily reminds her that "the note is written in motherfucking CURSIVE," which seems to impress Serena less than rocket scientry impresses Shania Twain. (Click on that link. Shania Twain is smoking hot.)

Then two dresses arrive for Lily from Eleanor Waldorf, except that the less ugly of the two dresses is actually for Serena. Why? Because if you are in one fashion show, suddenly people will start sending you free dresses and Marc Jacobs will name a bag after you. It's tough to be Serena.


Over in Hooverville, Dan worries that he may be too impotent a writer to get into Yale. Rufus lies to him that if he doesn't get in, "Something's wrong with Yale, not [Dan]." He is the worst parent in this history of poor people. I hope his son somehow ends up tied to a phallus before the day is done.

Because this is a television show, it is more convenient if all of the characters have reasons to apply to the same shooting location. Therefore, Chuck must convince his BFF and gay lover, Nate, to give Yale a shot. Like Dan, Nate must suffer for the sins of his retarded man-child father, and expresses a desire to get the fuck away from the East Coast. He also expresses incredulity over the fact that Chuck aspires to attend Yale rather than the Duke LAX School for Rape. J/K the Duke LAX team didn't do anything that prostitute wasn't asking for. Chuck manages to sound both ridiculous and badass when he informs Nate that he is ranking prospective universities based on their secret societies. And we all know what kind of boss secret societies Yale has:


Serena and Blair run into each other before they leave for Brown and Yale, respectively. Serena's shirt is open to her navel. Her boobs look awesome in it. It's the kind of shirt worn by a girl who gives good interview. Blair, ignorant of the fact that the Dean of Admissions sent Serena a handwritten note, dares her to make her hate her life even more, essentially by prophesizing that Serena will turn into Summer Roberts. Serena, whose appetite tends more towards Blair's blood than granola, takes that dare in the most affluent way possible: She calls her rich mom and tells her to order their hired chauffer to drive them to Yale instead of Brown. Hippie communist indeed!

Back in Hooverville, Jenny is dressed like Raggedy Ann. She emerges from the bathroom and Rufus, ever the Least Awkward Parent of All Time, observes that she was in the shower for a length of time he considers to be exorbitant. Jenny: "I wasn't in the shower for the whole time. I was waiting for something." Since Vanessa shows up just then, we can assume that the rest of her dialogue would have been, "I was waiting for Vanessa to come." In which case, TWSS.

Vanessa took so long because she was scheming, as usual. She and Jenny try convince Rufus to allow Jenny to be homeschooled, and he's all, "Absolutely not, and even if you were going to be homeschooled, why would I allow Vanessa to have anything to do with it? She's poor and she breaks into our house constantly." Jenny convinces him to go to work with her for a day so he can see how much better she is at sorting buttons than at doing math. Math is super hard, you guys.

Yale! The Dean of Admissions makes fun of Dan for being redundant and educates him about the college application process. He seems to assume that Dan has not the requisite number of letters of recommendation because Dan is a fucktard who cannot imagine anything outside of his own self-absorption, but he still advises him to try soliciting the epistolary expertise of one of the several dozen English department faculty members. Dan had never previously considered this because his dad is a horrible parent who inexplicably supports his utter lack of talent while trying to squash his sister's burgeoning fashion career. Which, if we're keeping it real, is equally inexplicable.

Chuck and Nate pretend to be a Seurat painting on a lawn somewhere on the Yale campus. Nate is like, "Why are we not trying to wet our d's?" and Chuck is like, "Because we are gay for each other. Let's just sit here and wait for the Skull & Bones." Three moderately attractive girls walk by, and Nate follows them like his dick is a divining rod and they're 75% water. Chuck is immediately captured by the Skull & Bones, who inconscpicuously cover his head with a pillow case while he jerks off (for the first of many times this episode) to his own sense of vindication.

Serena gives the Dean of Admissions some good, wet interview, and when she's finished, she says to Blair, "Looks like he's ready for you." Then she goes off to join Chuck in his self-satisfaction self-satisfying. Blair gulps visibly.

In a zany upheaval of expectations, Nate pretends to be Dan Humphrey because his own reputation is actually worse than a poor person's a this point. When he goes to a dorm to mack on his conquest, however, she tries to make him talk about books (WTF?! Remind me never to try to fuck anyone at Yale) and then discovers that he's not really Dan Humphrey. Because the real Dan Humphrey shows up. Because she's an English TA and she is literally the only person from the department who will look at him for longer than 14 seconds. Nate cries about his blue balls.

The Skulls appear to actually want to Bone Chuck, who offers to throw them an awesome party. Naturally, they accept this Trojan Horse because, although they "know" Chuck Bass, they don't know-know Chuck Bass.

During Blair's interview, the Dean of Admissions tells her that she's too stuffy and that she needs to generally be either more like Serena or more like Serena's famous runway model friends. He invites Serena to his fancy secret dinner, but not Blair. This makes Blair declare "war" on Serena (over nothing that is Serena's fault), which in turn makes Serena laugh heartily at her own invulnerability. Maybe Blair should expose more of her boobs during college interviews.

Take Your Father to Work Day, the purpose of which seems to be to prove that Jenny is earning more in a week than her unemployed and irresponsible father earned from all his record sales combined. Because Rufus has absolutely no clout as a parent or any idea how businesses function, he asks Eleanor to fire Jenny so he doesn't have to seem like a bad guy for imposing rules. In response, Eleanor asks Rufus to suck her dick.

Blair Van Wilders her way into an inviation to the Dean's party by seducing his aged female secretary with $400,000 ceramic cat figurines. At the party, the Dean plays a "parlor game" in which he asks everyone who she would dine with if she could choose any person, living or dead, real or imaginary. The correct answer is apparently some crossdressing author whose name escapes me. Serena chooses this answer because she wants Blair to attempt suicide. Then she flits off to coo, "How KIND of you!" to the Dean, which is a line from "The Rain in Spain," and the rest of the lyric is "to let me come," so… I wish that was what she had said.

The Skulls demand that Chuck give them Nate Archibald. They are angry with him because his father ruined many of their financial portfolios. They seem to desire to take possession of Nate so that they can do whatever they want with him. I would assume, based on how angry I would be if someone ruined my financial portfolio, that it would be violent. Sometimes, the gayness of people surprises even me.

Chuck tricks the real Nate into hanging out in a bar so that he can relinquish Dan to the Skulls. When next we see Dan, he has been stripped to his boxers and tied to a large, black, phallic sculpture thing. The Skulls show up to the bar Nate is patronizing, and he listens to them bad mouth him for about 2 seconds before unleashing a single annoyed punch and knocking over a bar stool. That will surely thward their designs of following him. On his way back to wherever they're all staying, he finds Dan, and they apologize to each other and fall in love. Dan actually says, as Chuck is trying to undo the knot in the rope, "Could you try a little faster, because I see someone approaching that looks female." I'll leave you to make your own joke. But the joke is TWSS.

Also the "female" turns out to be the English TA, so they go back to her room and have a threesome all night, which I assume consists of her and Dan discussing shitty literature while Nate uses his shameful father sins tears as lube. Dan is going to write, like, 6 short stories about this.

At the Dean's dinner, Blair has switched Serena's real answer to his question with the name of the dude who died in her presence. She manages to communicate her innocence to the Dean, and then out on his porch she communicates her "I hate you"ness to Blair. They get into an actual Catfight! and Blair's pilgrim costume tears at the sleeve. Then they break up. At some point someone says, "You make it feel so long." Count it.

The next day, however, they get back together while Blair is wearing a ridiculous hat. As it turns out, the maximum number of episodes that Blair and Serena can remain enemies is 2.8.

The Skulls approach Chuck to bitch about the Dan/Nate switcheroo, and he reveals that some hookers he hired for the party were actually spies who took a billion pictures of the Skulls doing coke off their asses or something, thus ruining their potential political careers. Improbably, a subsequent shot of his drivers' license reveals that Chuck's middle name actually is "Skullfucker."

Unfortunately, while Chuck was being clandestine and hiring hookers for spy threesomes, Nate and Dan fell in love, which makes him pretty jealous.

Next week: Cruel Intentions!