Kid tested, FDA approved

My friend said my new goatee made me look like a pedophile. Which is ridiculous, those charges were dropped.
-John Von Gunten
Whenever I see on the news that the police call off the search for a missing person, it always upsets me. Because that means that there's a chance that someone out there is far better at hide and go seek than I'll ever be.
-Conor McKeon
Freshmen girls are a lot like prostitutes…only they get paid in life lessons.
-Guy R.
Abbot and Costello Go to an Actual Baseball Game
"Who's on first?""Ryan Howard"
-Mike Bartlett
If so many women are looking for their knight in shining armor, why is the Renaissance Faire filled with virgins?
-Patrick Cassels
Rumor had it that this Halloween was initiation night for the Bloods and that prospective gang members had to kill 31 women to join. Of course it was all a hoax, which means I killed 31 hos for nothing.
-Kevin Corrigan
This guy told me that since the barrel of a gun is the business end, then the handle is the party end. Let me tell you, it wasn't all that fun.
-Will Guth
I really identified with the characters in "Lost in Translation" because i can't speak Japanese either. Also, i fear my marriage is a sham
-Tej Soneji
I saw a PSA that said 1/3 of all car accident involve someone who has THC in their bloodstream, I'm no statistician, but what the fuck is wrong with the 2/3 of sober people who suck at driving?
-Sam Mitchell
How Adrian Grenier of Entourage picks up women
I'm not a famous actor, but I do play one on tv.
-Nick W