Andrew B. opted out of writing this column so he could go back to watching Prison Break, which ironically features far fewer instances of prison break than Heroes. When he asked if I wanted to take over, I was all, "Of course I will, because being responsible for one of these every week is Totally Sick, and definitely not a hassle." But apparently over the Internet you're supposed to use plus signs for sarcasm? So here I am. Don't worry though I killed him and Sylar'd his brain open, so I think I've got this figured out.
I will say, he picked a really bad time to bail, because Heroes is getting great again. I've been loving the past few weeks, and last night continued to not suck which is weird, actually. Gimmicky flashback/flashforward episodes are uniformly terrible (Nip/Tuck
TO THE FUTURE!), and the ones Heroes has been putting out once a season fare no better. But not this time.
The whole episode is essentially an Afri-cid trip through Hiro's time traveling mind, courtesy of Kenya-nardo da Vinci's magical guano.
The first place we find ourselves is a Petrelli Party, where we are immediately reminded that 1.) Peter used to be a nurse, whose only power was the ability to supertwitch that ridiculous hair out of his eyes; 2.) Nathan used to be a tenacious, corruption-dismantling DA, only the kind without a horrifically charred face and an exploded girlfriend, and 3.) Angela Petrelli was never meant to be more than a tertiary character.
Papa Petrelli is talking shop with Caligulinderman, who's worried that Nathan's gonna take him down. But a calmly reassuring Arthur is all, "Let's just kill him. I have like two other sons." So it turns out the guy responsible for crippling the eff out of Nathan's wife in that car wreck he "accidentally" floated away from was his own dad.
Having recently inspected his first cranium, Sylar is suffering from a little post-brain-removal guilt, so he attempts to escape The Hunger by way of a noose. Either that, or he wants to get dizzy while he beats off. Elle walks in just in time to zap the rope, because she's working with Noah and the Company, and they really want to watch Sylar murder more people. Seriously. Also she gets kind of lost in his eye(brow)s, and decides she kind of likes him. So, if you want a date with Kristen Bell, try hanging yourself in her general area.
The show's two flamethrowers, Meredith and the guy who looks like that inbred lead singer from 3 Doors Down, are brother and sister. Surprise, I guess. They're robbing a Seven Eleven when they get caught by Eric Roberts, and while the brother escapes, Meredith gets tased like 87 times. Then Eric Roberts is like, "Do you have your resume with you? We're hiring." She does a good job on her first mission, but when she decides to escort her brother out the revolving door of Level 5, Eric Roberts catches up to them on a train, where he once again decides to go up against two superpowered beings armed only with a taser. He has GOT to be related to Clair somehow. (Everyone else on the show is.) The train car ends up in flames, Meredith ends up in handcuffs, and Eric Roberts ends up with a much less successful career than his sister Julia. He also informs Meredith that her daughter Claire is still alive, which she could have also found out by looking directly behind her.
Angela Petrelli spends this episode behaving more like an unassuming mom than Lady Macbeth, and we eventually find out why: Arthur's been brainraping her for decades. Linderman touches her head to heal the damage, and Angela's restored memories make her superpissed. She confronts her husband with the help of the Haitian (who negates Arthur's mind control powers), then poisons his dinner, natch. She's about to go hide the body, but Nathan walks in and finds it first, so she has to pretend it's a heart attack. The doc at the hospital walks in to tell the Petrellis that their patriarch has perished. But wait! The doc is getting Jedi Mind Tricked by a paralyzed-but-still-very-alive Arthur. And that's how all that happened.
Elle visits Sylar, and brings along a guy named Trevor, who has the power to shoot invisible guns and wear a lot of eyeliner. Trevor is basically the goat in Jurassic Park. It's all part of Noah's plan to watch Sylar feed on powers, which is actually pretty villainous of Noah, which perfectly fits his personality in Season 1. Elle pretends to be really impressed by Trevor's power to make Sylar jealous, so Sylar decides to one-up invisible guns with a little head slicing. He kills Trevor, but allows Elle to escape. So basically, it's Noah's who unleashed Sylar on the world, and eventually his own daughter. There's a lot of questionable parenting in this episode.
Back in the present, Hiro awakes to discover that AfricanIsaac has been AfriKilled. Arthur found them, and the episode ends as he clutches Hiro's chubby face
Meredith: "They're tricking you because you're dumb. Remember what Daddy used to say? God gave you a big sister instead of a brain."
Angela: "I lied. It's not your mother's recipe."
That's What She Said:
"Thank you all for coming."
"What do you suggest, we abort?"