The creamed onions to the Internet's Thanksgiving.

How sad is it that the best dog actors only get to work with the worst human ones?
-Will Guth
New plot for a Jason Statham movie
If his character does not kick enough ass in an hour and a half, his movie will suck really bad.
-Brendan McCarthy McCarthy
What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
-Tom Walker
Chinese Democracy
It took Axl Rose 15 years to release his new album. But anyone who's a big enough Guns N' Roses fan to be upset has probably achieved even less since then.
-Patrick Cassels
If you think that taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is hard, just remember how hard it was for your 8th birthday.
-Duke Studworthy
For some reason I always experience stagefright whenever I pee in public. Which is bad news for me, and even worse news for the people in the front row of the theatre.
-Conor McKeon
Why is it called "legally drunk" if you can get a ticket?
-Phil Watson
My Thanksgiving resolution this year is to finally figure out which customs belong to which holiday.
-Amir Blumenfeld
Shouldn't regret be considered an STD?
-Phil Begley
A pharmacist is just a drug dealer who stayed in school.
-Will Riebel
I was dating a girl for a couple years but it just got too serious, so we got a divorce and sent the kids to live in an orphanage. It's better for everyone this way.
-Kevin Corrigan
Scared-Straight introduction
"Okay, before we start let's get three things straight: You, you, and you."
-Ben Kessler